20 Genres of Data
by Dancing Mask
Summary: Collection of 20 oneshots and drabbles featuring everyone's favourite alien, Yuki Nagato. Every genre covered, some AU. Story #11- Steampunk: Yuki, a lonely junker, searches the scrapheaps, stumbling across a familiar automaton resembling a boy her age.
1. Magical Girl Yukichan! Parody

Prompt: Magical Girl Yuki-chan!

AU

* * *

"Haha," laughed the generic purple monster in the street. "I have you now!"

"We won't let the forces of darkness win!" cried Mikuru, as she transformed. Everyone around, including the monster, was so taken by her dazzling transformation sequence that they stood still, patiently waiting for her to finish.

Skirt and cute top appearing outward with a flash of light, cute circlet, cute bracelet, cute ankle bracelet, cute watch, cute earrings, cute fake nails and cute hair tie all equipped (and all matching pink) with another flash of light, Mikuru posed, as the gloves and obligatory Impractical Evil Fighting Boots (trademarked) suddenly appeared, with the final flash of light, and the closing chords of her theme song.

"Mi-Mikuru beam!" stammered Mikuru, as her red hair flew back. The monster fell backwards in pain, but bizarrely no blood or a visible wound appeared. Getting back up, it sent a dark beam at Mikuru, somehow defeating her without messing up her hair or makeup.

"Oh no!" she screamed, worried for all the innocent people who would surely die without her. I mean, be badly hurt. You can't say die in a show like this, can you?

"Don't worry! We'll save you!" yelled an eager voice. Looking up, she gasped in surprise and delight.

"Haruhi-chan! Yuki-chan! You made it!"

The brunette leaped down from the rooftop she was inexplicably up on; skirt visibly flapping for everyone below. She landed next to Mikuru and started her own transformation. This one had a guitar riff during the theme, so you just knew she had to be tougher. Haruhi's back arched, um, back, as her stockings, bunny ears, and short dress appeared.

"Magical Bunny-girl Haruhi-chan, here to save the day!" She posed as she spoke, ready to fight evil!

"Dude, check it out. That bunny-girl is _hot_," said a random passer-by, taking a photo of her with his phone.

She bounced towards the evil monster, bunny-staff whacking it vaguely in the torso, or something. Its anatomy was a little shaky, having changed since the last scene it was in, but that didn't really matter. It flinched backwards, claws striking out. Haruhi flew backwards, without a visible scene where she was actually hit by the monster of course, landing next to Mikuru.

"Weren't you on the other side of the monster? How did you land near me just then?" wailed Mikuru.

"Shut up! It's rude to point out flaws in low-budget anime," told off Haruhi severely.

"Is it my turn?" asked a soft voice. The girls turned to see Yuki, already standing next to them on the road.

"Where was your entrance? I thought you were still on the rooftop?" asked Haruhi with a small pout.

"I took the stairs while you were transforming," she told her superior in a monotone.

"Man, you guys don't get it at all! This is the worst Magical Girl Team _ever_," huffed Haruhi as she crossed her arms.

"Go for it, Yuki-chan!" cried Mikuru.

Yuki spun in a circle, arms stiffly by her sides, as a small, thin laser of light struck the monster. Instead of dissipating like the others, this one pierced right through, drilling through its armour with a horrible screech. Green blood and monster insides exploded everywhere, covering the shops and road, as people began to panic and run away.

"What the HELL?" yelled Haruhi, standing on her own fine now that the monster was gone. "You can't do that!"

"I cannot?" asked Yuki, turning her head 2 millimetres to the side in confusion.

"No! We're meant to be cute, remember?"

"Um, g-good job, Yuki-chan," stammered Mikuru behind her. She was clearly afraid of the girl, having never seen real violence before.

"Geez, at least show me your transformation. You have been working on it, right?" Haruhi asked, glaring.

Yuki nodded once, before her own theme music begun. It was an elegant piano melody, which Haruhi hated immediately. Yuki closed her eyes, as her school uniform became… a school uniform. An oversized witches hat appeared on her head, along with absolutely no accessories.

"Where's the moe?" yelled Haruhi, annoyed. She loved Yuki, but there was no point being a Magical Girl if you couldn't pull off pop-idol-style looks and fashion sense. They might as well be _American_ super heroes at this rate.

Yuki bent down, and put her sock on slowly, all the way up to and past her skirt.

"Like this?"

"NO!" came the reply, both of their hands crossed in 'X' shapes.

"That was…" Mikuru whispered.

"Yeah, way too adult…" Haruhi shook her head.

Noticing the crowd at this point, and the sound of sirens in the distance (who _wouldn't_ call the police over a monster attack?) Haruhi quickly grabbed both of the girls.

"Let's go!" And so, they leaped across the rooftops, making their grand escape.

"Shoe," Yuki pointed at the ground, having left her school shoes at the scene of the battle.

"That's okay, we can go shopping later!" smiled Mikuru.

"I can't believe you guys," deadpanned Haruhi.

"Hey, where are all the guys?" asked Mikuru.

"Don't be stupid. There are never any male characters in these shows."

"Ehh? But you told me there would be boys if I joined!" wailed the red-head.

"Your fault for believing me," shrugged Haruhi.

"What about Tuxedo Mask? He was male!"

"Yeah, but we haven't got more then an OVA, so a male interest would be wasted on us. Besides, he was the only guy in that whole series."

"Oh…" sighed Mikuru. "Can I have a floating animal then?"

"On the condition he can only say his name over and over again."

"Why?"

"Because that's how it's done!"

Sadly, this was their best Magical Girl Fight yet. They managed to beat the monster this time, and only 9 videos and 76 photos of their panties made it online that week. Compared to some of the more popular Magical Girls, they were doing well.

* * *

_A/N: Here's the first one, a crack comedy to get the ball rolling. Let me know what you think please, or if there's any particular type of story you'd like me to write next. Reviewers get my love~_


	2. Raindrops

Prompt: Rain~ One of my favourites so far.

In universe.

* * *

The raindrops slid down the window. It was mesmerizing.

Some of them danced wildly across with the wind, others stuttered and stopped for no reason at all. Some droplets sat perfectly still, dormant until another drop collided and merged with them. This all to the melody of the rain pounding down on the roof of the car, the gale of the wind accompanying it at times.

Yuki Nagato, age seventeen (physically), watched motionless as the rain continued to pour down. Without realising it, she had leaned closer as she watched, and was now resting her forehead just an inch away from the glass, eyes wide so as not to miss a moment. There were so many different drops to watch at once, it actually taxed her perception to watch them all simultaneously.

It helped to assign them serial numbers, she found. After some time, she realised a flaw in this pattern- once a raindrop had disappeared from view and was off the window, it effectively ceased to exist. This made larger, more complex numbers redundant as she observed.

Next, she developed a new way of keeping track of the raindrops, which made it a game of sorts. She called the first drop to enter her line of sight (the window) hydrogen. The second was helium, the third lithium, fourth beryllium, and so on, until the entire periodic table of elements was accounted for in order. This made it much easier to keep track of their movements, having effectively 'named' them.

Nagato watched in fascination each time small droplets joined, imaging the chemical process that would occur with those respective elements they were named after. Obviously, not every chemical process was possible, so she merely named the resulting bead of water after the larger of the two elements in those situations. Simultaneously, as the pitter-patter of rain slammed into the side of the car, dozens of reactions were taking place, including some never seen in natural conditions on Earth.

Every time a new raindrop entered her view, she simply assigned it the next number in the table of elements, resetting back to 1 (hydrogen) when she reached the end, or lawrencium. This made it possible to have multiple of every discovered element (on this planet) on her window at once.

She was completely absorbed in her game, fascinated by the sight. She had never witnessed the rain on a window before, her apartment's roofing designed to keep the moisture away from the walls. It wasn't just fascinating, on a physics and random-matter distribution level, but was also visually appealing. Some would even say beautiful. Nagato felt surges of unexplained data when staring at that window, and found it easier to forget herself- a rare occurrence.

Then, the rain disappeared, replaced by darkness.

Nagato blinked, for the first time in an hour, as she realized they were going through a tunnel. That was… unfortunate. The tunnel widened up, going past a mountainous region near town. The dam and walls built for the safety of passing traffic were right along the side, effectively sealing off the entire side of the road from view. It was high enough that no more than two or three droplets landed on her window every minute.

Nagato felt almost lonely with the result, her view so abruptly ended.

"Y'know, my window still has rain." Nagato turned her head, confirming Kyon's statement. The wall was only along her side of the car- his was open to the air, and that same view.

"You were looking at the rain, right? I used to do that as a kid too," he grinned at her.

Nagato leaned as far as her seat belt would allow, resting her head against Kyon's warm chest as she watched the pearls of water run across her vision.

He went to say something, startled by her sudden closeness, but thought better of it, and let her be. Shrugging at an equally confused Koizumi, Kyon looked down at the pale girl cuddling up to him. Truth be told, this was kind of nice. He turned his head to the window as well, absent-mindedly watching the arbitrary rainfall against his window. They stayed like that for the rest of the drive.


	3. Fantasy tale

Prompt: Fantasy novels

AU

* * *

Their boots crunched over the loose forest floor, snapping twigs and bracken atop the snow. The taller figure led the way, guiding their horse with a gloved hand over rabbit holes and branches. His cloak was still in the calm, the chain-mail below clinking lightly with his steps. The horse was subdued, almost as if it understood the seriousness of their plight. Several packs of food, weapons and supplies hung from its back, evidence of the larger party they had once belonged with.

The slighter figure trailed behind the man, almost unwillingly. She was dressed in the purple robes of a witch, but wore breeches and arm cloth underneath out of practicality against the cold. She wore little adornment, unusual for a witch in these parts; her only concession to her kind was a silver necklace which was tucked out of sight along her breast.

The morning fog continued to roll along, sending with it an ominous smell from ahead. The man stopped, tensing as he raised one hand. Both woman and horse stood still instantly, hesitant to disobey.

"Fire… could they have arrived before us?" He didn't wait for a reply, knowing he wouldn't receive one from either companion.

Racing onward as best he was able whilst he guided the mare past stumps, holes, fallen trees and bracken, his pace began to quicken. They continued like this for close to half one hour, silently running without ever once addressing each other. Rising the crest of a hill the forest began to clear out, revealing the tragic sight that awaited.

The village of Elsemary lay in ruins, smoke still pouring out of the windows. Fire danced from the straw thatching, spreading quickly from house to house. But the fire was recent, surely only burning in the last hour. With the dawn sun still newborn in the sky, chances were the one who cast the flames was still around.

"Witch," the man addressed the silent figure behind him. She was still as a lake, not out of breath despite keeping pace with the man all this time.

"Yes, Koizumi?" she asked lightly, no emotion audible in her voice.

"Check the area. How long has it been since the village were deserted? I see no bodies or signs of life," Koizumi told her. He tied the horse expertly to a nearby branch as she did, testing it for strength in case the horse panicked. Looking with his own eyes, he saw signs of neglect; weeds in front gardens poking through the snow, faded paint and broken gates. Surely the people of Elsemary had left long before this fire today.

"There has been no life in these parts for thirty-seven days," the witch informed him. Hand resting on his sword, Koizumi asked her if anything undead had been nearby.

"Yes. There have been many undead in the area since then, in the order of fifty or more." Cursing, Koizumi ran down into town, shouting behind him.

"Follow me, witch! Be ready for battle!" She silently complied, as always.

They slowed once they were closer, keeping a wary eye around in search of potential attackers.

"Are you close enough to confirm their class?" asked Koizumi, looking away as he checked the equipment on his belt.

"Aye. All but one of the undead are Infirmary standard or lower, what I have heard you confirm as 'mere fodder'." A faint blue glow emitted from her necklace as the magic was wrought, scanning the enemy for information. This was one of the reasons Koizumi tolerated her presence, despite his hatred for her kind- only a fool ran into battle unprepared.

"And the other?"

"Their designated captain is equal to an Admiral-class warlock in strength, but no known undead ranking for their power exists," she informed him. He cursed, dreading the encounter already.

"Do we retreat?" she asked him, ready to comply.

"Nay. Press on."

They approached the town, the scent of smoke filling their noses. Drawing a cloth mask over his face, Koizumi gripped his sword tightly. The dead were so powerful here even he could sense it; a cold, clammy grip over the land, like a hand made from shadows over everything. Now they were in the town, there was no option to head back.

Their first encounter was swift; three undead men, all in ragged farmer's overalls appeared near the gate. Spinning, the blade of his longsword cleaved the first, rising to meet the pitchfork the next attacked with. Before he had the chance to retaliate spears of ice exploded from within the zombie, destroying it instantly. A similar mangling sound, accompanied by a rain of greying skin and intestines, announced the third had been attacked with the same spell.

"Those were mere stragglers. Be on your guard," Koizumi muttered. No matter how much he tried to ignore the girl, he found himself worrying about her in times like these. Foolish, but unavoidable.

They pressed further onward, avoiding large open areas like the town square. The shopping front was decorated with a mountain of bodies, a flaming pyre of death built for no purpose. The destruction seemed arbitrary- neither rhyme nor reason could be found, some areas untainted, others destroyed many times over. There was no property stolen from the stores, which suggested the violence was all for sport, by monsters rather then men.

Koizumi snuck around an alley, dispatching a single undead woman. On the other side of the building he heard evidence of the witch destroying another handful. They were thinning out the horde, but the leader had yet to show itself.

"Could it be it does not know we are here?" he wondered.

"No. It merely toys with us, sending small groups at a time," the witch answered him, arriving from her latest encounter with blood dripping from one boot.

"So it is here." He shifted, suddenly smiling, "Come out~" sang Koizumi, swinging his sword carelessly. He ran into a large clearing in front of the town hall- a long stone building- when she arrived.

"Sick of your fun already?" asked a floating girl with long green hair. Koizumi merely smiled at it, keeping his silence.

"Come now, no need for politeness. Please, speak your mind; it's the least I can do before I send you both to the void." Koizumi chuckled at this, unnerving the women.

"Are doth truly the undead leader of this horde?"

"But of course," she answered, glowing green energy swirling around her fist. Swinging her arm a pulse of that energy shot out, blowing rubble from the destroyed buildings behind her.

"It seems my adversary merely prefers this form then… appearances can be quite the misleading things," smiled Koizumi to himself. The girl laughed at the comment, flicking her hair backwards like a child.

"Please, call me Tsuruya-san." Koizumi's smile grew even wider when he heard this, but it wasn't a genuine expression.

"Never," he replied lightly, before lunging at her. Blade slicing the air she had been just moments before, he darted forward in pursuit. She twirled around, dress and hair brushing his skin just lightly, out of his reach, before sending him flying backwards with another energy pulse. Crawling out of the ensuing crater, Koizumi thanked the heavens for the guard he wore, which nullified most undead magic.

"Witch! I have need of your magic!" he yelled, heart racing.

"My my," taunted Tsuruya, "how cold you seem to your companion."

"How I treat her is no concern of yours," replied Koizumi, as if the notion were laughable.

"But you were so happy before, all smiles to your other companions," pointed out the undead girl. Koizumi replied with another slash of his blade, which was avoided with ease.

"Could it be you dislike witches? Did a witch perchance hurt you personally?"

"Be silent!" snapped the warrior, striking again and again in his fury. Behind him, the slight witch was overwhelmed by the horde, struck every time she turned to smite another of the undead. The remaining half had all struck at once, and she was unable to defend herself against so many.

"I see now," began Tsuruya. "You're hatred of witches prevents you from fighting alongside her. You haven't even formed a pact, have you?" she laughed in amazement. Koizumi frowned; she was right somehow, he hadn't. A pact united the souls of a warrior and witch, increasing their bond. Their magic and thoughts aligned, they would be more powerful, but he refused to do so with a witch, even if this one had never harmed him.

"What a pity; I'm sure you could have lived through this encounter, if you tried properly." Koizumi seethed, head down. He remained still, as if in contemplation. Then, without a word, he ran towards the horde.

Slicing through several attackers at once he grasped the girl by the hand, pulling her by his side.

"Witch! Please, assist me against this queen of the undead!" he pleaded, not looking at her expression. Shoulders swinging with the effort, he fought off the horde around them, blade cleaving through the rotting skin.

Tsuruya laughed from her position, watching the battle below with glee.

The short-haired witch looked towards Koizumi. "What would you have me do?" she asked. Koizumi cursed as he fought; as usual, he had to give her specific instructions.

"Tell me of any weaknesses she may possess!" he yelled, barely avoiding the outstretched jaw of a fat, oafish zombie.

"I see," the witch lowered her head, scanning for a time. "She possesses great power, but has no body to attack. She is already fading from this plane of existence," she explained.

Koizumi skewered the last of the throng, pulling his blade out from a chest with a heave. Something was wrong with this situation; the undead queen was simply watching him defeat her undead and laughing, making no effort to stop him. And now she was already vanquished- what trickery was this?

"What is your goal?" he yelled up at her. Landing down on the snow-powdered ground without a noise, Tsuruya looked at him with a childish pout.

"Pact with the witch," she demanded.

"What business is that of yours?" Koizumi was taken aback.

"Make a pact with her. Why haven't you yet?"

"Why should you want me to gain strength? Your army has already been defeated; you speak in riddles." The warrior wondered what her plan was, eyebrow up in confusion.

"I know that!" Tsuruya stomped one foot against the ground, scowling. "You were supposed to succumb to my undead, and resort to the pact to save yourselves."

"Clearly you have underestimated my strength," Koizumi smiled despite himself, as he darted forward and stabbed for the girl's heart. She spun in the air, landing several feet away atop a stone wall, unharmed.

"Have you called her by name, even once?" called out Tsuruya, agitating the warrior even more.

"That is none of your concern!" he cried out. He glanced uneasily at the purple-haired girl by his side. Her expression was as calm and relaxed as ever; why should he feel so guilty?

"You're such a mean man, you know that?" Tsuruya stuck her tongue out at him like a child, unleashing another energy pulse towards Koizumi. Rolling to the side just moments too late he caught a glancing blow, and was sent sprawling across the ground.

"Now if you had a pact, the poor witch here would have deflected that just fine!" called out Tsuruya mockingly. The brunet grunted as he stood up, but otherwise ignored her. Of course she was correct- if their emotions were in sync he wouldn't have to tell the witch what he required, and they would work together more effectively.

"Hey, witch! Let's hear what you have to say on this matter! Tell me about yourself!" prompted the green-haired girl. Mouth open to reply, the witch glanced towards Koizumi first. Not receiving a 'no', she continued.

"I was travelling with a small party in the past. Our group have all been killed or captured, so we have been journeying to free the ones who are alive. A pact is not my decision to make." She looked down just slightly, picturing her three missing friends. Tsuruya didn't seem surprised by the vague monologue, merely more impatient.

"And yet this guy," she pointed rudely at Koizumi, "is too busy with his quest to help you, right?"

"I do not require help. Our party is more important," replied the witch, still in that same tone.

"I take offence to what you are saying, zombie." Koizumi spoke up, sheathing his sword. Pulling a light bow from his back, he addressed the witch by his side.

"It's obvious where she is headed with this. You do need help; your memories have been stolen. She wishes for us to abandon our comrades and retrieve your lost memories, for some obscure motive." He notched one feathered arrow, aiming it directly at Tsuruya's forehead. "Isn't that right!"

"Hahaha!" Her hand rose in front of her face as she laughed. "You got it in one. And why shouldn't you help this girl? Her fate and yours are entwined." Koizumi gritted his teeth, shooting an arrow in reply. As before she dodged with lightning speed, leaping to a crumbling house roof. Fleeing still more arrows as they talked, the undead queen continued to argue.

"You must pact with this witch and recover her memories! Stupid man, the fate of more then your crew depends on this!" she shouted. Koizumi gave pause for a moment, considering her words.

"Why do you insist this? What does it matter to you if she is saved or not? Explain yourself!"

"That girl is key to a prophecy, one too sacred for even one such as myself to read!" exclaimed the green-haired girl. Koizumi paused for a moment, unsure what she meant.

"... What kind of prophecy?" Tsuruya paused also, looking at him intently.

"I cannot say. If you performed the pact, the answers would become much clearer though."

"I still refuse to pact with a witch. What other way is there to prove your words?" Koizumi offered, eyes deep in thought.

"Ride to the lake in Sol Solis, known as the Lake of the Lost. That is where the next step of your quest with this witch will take you," Tsuruya spoke in a low tone.

"... My memories are there?" the pale witch spoke up for the first time of her own accord. Koizumi looked at her, thoughts conflicting.

"Sol Solis lies three days away from where our party have been taken. It would not be far out of our way," he admitted, looking away.

"Good!" Tsuruya smiled, hands clasped together. "So you'll help this girl and pact with her soon, right?"

"I didn't say that!" Koizumi sighed. "I will help her if I am able, but do not expect us to pact soon. I still need to know much more about this 'prophecy' you spoke of, and why it concerns you."

"Unfortunately, I am unable to tell you more." The undead girl smiled as she said this, at contrast with what she had said.

"Unable, or unwilling?" demanded Koizumi.

"You'll never know," taunted the girl, the familiar glow of a teleportation spell spiralling around her.

"What are you? You're clearly not undead. Tell me your goals!" Koizumi demanded, unleashing another arrow that passed right through her. Tsuruya merely put one finger to her lips, smiling, before she vanished along with any answers she may have possessed.

* * *

It was late afternoon as they rode away from the town, the flames finally doused through the girl's ice and snow-based magic. Koizumi's usually smiling face was lost in a frown, his thoughts conflicted. That girl Tsuruya, whatever she claimed to be, had plans for the witch by his side. But to what end, he couldn't tell. The key must lay in her missing past- the purple-cloaked witch must have seen or done something in one of her memories that would aid them. It seemed he had no choice if he wished to remain by her side, but to head for the lake they had been told of.

"Witch." She looked towards him, expression unreadable.

"No... Nagato." Koizumi gave a bittersweet smile, eyes downcast. "I am... sorry I have never addressed you before. You are different from other witches." _So far,_ he wanted to add, but held his tongue.

"I will aid you in retrieving your memories, if you continue to help me rescue our friends." He bowed as low as he was able to on the horse, unwilling to look at her directly.

Nagato's lips opened in a surprised 'o' shape, briefly, before her expression reverted to neutral again. She was silent for a time as they rode, thinking to herself, gazing at the snow-dappled forest.

Koizumi had begun to trust her, despite his hatred of witches. This seemed logical after everything, but it made her glad anyway. Yes, she felt happiness. Corner of her mouth raised in a half-smile, she squeezed his hand tightly, for just a moment. She didn't respond aloud, but Koizumi seemed to understand.

On they rode, their quest only just beginning. There was no telling what would happen if the mysterious girl's memories were recovered- would she become a different person, like the other witches Koizumi despised so much? What fate would befall Haruhi, and her brigade of fighters in captivity? Only time would tell.

* * *

_A/N: By accident, the first 3 I ended up posting showed everyone just once, along with Nagato in every story. I like the balance~ _

_I hope Koizumi isn't too out of character, the way he acts when he mistrusts someone... The fantasy style was fun, even if it does take a lot longer to write for ^.^ Please let me know what you thought of it, good and bad, as always. I'm currently deciding between a wild-western AU and a haunted house for the next oneshot, so feel free to give me your feedback on that as well, or any other kind of story you'd like to see more of next. _

_Thanks for reading~_


	4. Wild Western

Prompt: the Wild West

AU

* * *

"Yes!" the brunette pumped her fist in the air, grinning. "We'll be rich at this rate!" A rather tired-looking guy next to her replied, rubbing the back of his head.

"Can't you keep it down? That's not something to yell in a public place, especially this kind of bar." The boy, Kyon, was ignored completely as the girl pulled another women, a redhead with a rather shapely figure, over to her side and started dancing.

"What am I gonna do with her..." he sighed, sitting back at their table with a thud. The bar around them bustled with noise, drinks and gambling, as well as a bevy of busy prostitutes in a corner by the stairs. Hopefully in all its rowdiness their small party of four would go unnoticed.

They seemed dressed correctly, at least... That was one of the things Kyon had been most worried about. Having only ridden into town a few nights ago, him and the girls didn't want to stand out as foreigners too badly. He was currently garbed in a brown poncho, riding boots, a cowboy hat, and itchy pants. To be honest he preferred it on the eastern coast, what he thought of as 'civilization', even if the towns were near-identical in living quality.

Of course, eyeing the girls, he had to admit it wasn't all bad. Unlike the farmer's wives back home, here Haruhi and Mikuru were wearing red and gold dresses respectively, as well as corsets and cowboy boots, the local fashion. The last member of their group, Yuki Nagato, was also rather eye-catching in a midnight-blue ruffled dress and low heels, something Kyon had never thought he'd live to see her wear. She was usually so practical with how she dressed; it looked great.

"Should I play another round?" asked the slim girl, noticing him looking at her.

"Oh, take your time. Haruhi's the best at rounding up the gamblers anyway," laughed Kyon.

Sure enough, at that exact moment Haruhi arrived, dragging a dishevelled man with a weak beard along with her.

"This girl has the best poker face in the whole 'west!" bragged the brunette, performing a drum roll with her hands on the table. "If you can beat Yuki here, I'll let you sleep with me or my partner Mikuru," she pointed at the suddenly blushing red-head, "free of charge! What do ya say, feel lucky punk?"

"I just have to beat a lil girl? Heh, and she's nearly A-ranked..." the man smiled the special smile only a pervert could. "Deal!"

"Wait, Haruhi, are you crazy?" Kyon pointed accusingly at the girl, sweat running down the back of his head.

"It's okay; I know what I'm doing. She's never lost yet!" whispered Haruhi conspiratorially back in his ear.

"You know you're loud enough for him to hear everything you're saying, right?" deadpanned the youth.

"Don't change the subject! Listen, we're here to make money, and Yuki is our best chance at easy money like this chump!"

"If you call him easy money, he might not even play... please, stop and think for once! And it's still not okay to risk Mikuru like that, which was the original subject!"

Kyon and Haruhi continued to bicker, not noticing the match was already underway. The man chose poker, a favourite in the area. Haruhi had not been exaggerating, it seemed- Yuki's facial expression never seemed to change, regardless of her hand, a rare poker face indeed. Mikuru watched in amazement as the perverted man took her lack of emotion to mean a terrible hand, and played his own- one pair of fives, the worst hand she'd seen all day.

"Aw man!" he cried in frustration at the results, pulling out more money. And so the matches continued, each time more and more money being risked, in return for hopes to sleep with one of the younger girls. Yuki's lack of emotion was consistently confused for a lack of confidence in a bad hand, a false attempt to conceal a great hand, or a way of psyching her opponent out, which prompted numerous bluffs. Bluffing and any manner of talk seemed to have no effect on her, and she did not respond to the usual tricks. Soon a crowd were watching their plays, drawn by the man's loud anguish and the strange sight of such a young girl playing poker in a bar like this.

"See Kyon? I told you it was okay," proclaimed Haruhi, proudly watching as yet another man lost to Yuki's near-perfect judgement and expression.

"She does have a way with numbers and odds..." admitted the boy.

"Kyon, look!" Kyon turned to see a green cactus staring at him less then an inch away from his face.

"Wha- what the hell!" he leaned backwards, flinching from the potted plant Mikuru was holding out like a trophy.

"A man gave it to me; he said I was pretty! Its name is Koizumi, he said," Mikuru explained. Kyon glared at the plant for a second, eyeing its bobbing branch and small spikes warily. For some reason... he didn't like it...

"It looks like it's mocking me," he muttered.

"It looks like it's smiling at you, doesn't it?" chirped Mikuru at the same time.

Meanwhile, Haruhi was happily pimping out the sensation of the bar, Yuki. Now the men gathered around their table numbered more then a dozen, and still the pale girl showed no sign of quitting her winning streak.

"What's your secret?" a short man named Kunikida asked, amazed at how calm she seemed during their recent games of blackjack.

"...I have no secrets. I simply play what appears best," she explained, confusing him more.

"Sorry for a second, the games will take a break while Yuki has a drink and freshens up," Kyon explained, hands outstretched, just as they went to deal once again. Haruhi began to argue in protest, but Yuki nodded her assent, giving him time to drag them both to a corner.

"Why stop now? We're raking it in!" the brunette hissed.

"Listen, Yuki's not some kind of fancy new vehicle. She gets tired too, and I'm sure she'd like to use the ladies room or get some fresh air," Kyon justified.

"You should ask me before deciding things like that!" Haruhi pouted away from him.

"I thought the only reason you dragged me out here was because in the west, women listen to their men, right? And you wanted some kind of cover, in case things looked suspicious. So I suggest you play along and do as I say for now, as the man-" Kyon's brilliant-yet-poorly-thought-out argument was ended when Haruhi hit him in a very male area, causing him to double over in pain.

"Don't take a girl's side against mine, jerk," huffed Haruhi, before taking Yuki over for a drink regardless.

Kyon sighed, returning to their table with a small flinch as he sat down. For once, one of Haruhi's schemes seemed to be working. After realizing how talented Yuki was at gambling they had decided to travel to the west- where gambling for money trumped the law- and their fortunes could be made. Of course, they had a problem if they continued to milk this place for any longer, he thought. Word about a group making so much money would cause trouble fast, so hopefully Haruhi could be persuaded to head to another town before they kept the games going.

"Hmph... maybe I should bet Kyon on the next match. You could throw it, couldn't you?" asked Haruhi innocently, sipping foul beer over at the bar. Yuki looked down at her water, nodding her head to indicate a no. Their musings were interrupted when the door to the bar slammed open dramatically.

Before swinging back shut, somewhat less-dramatically.

Stepping forward, holding the door open as he cursed stood the man with the weak beard from before.

"This here's a stick up!" he yelled, holding his gun in the air. Immediately the room went silent, the locals eyeing him cautiously.

"What was your name again? Tana-something, right?" Haruhi eyed him sceptically, wondering who would give that pervert a revolver.

"Tanaguchi! Remember it!" he yelled, voice quavering nervously. "I'll be taking all of your winnings, for humiliating me earlier!"

"I don't think so," Haruhi smirked as she answered, leaping onto the bar with a _clack!_ of her boots. Pulling her own revolver out of the holster-less dress (Kyon noted this carefully) she quickly fired a warning shot, ducking behind the counter to reload as he responded. Kyon pulled Yuki and Mikuru behind the table next to them, overturning it quickly in his panic, just as things got wild.

The bar owner revealed his shotgun as no less then five men and one prostitute with green hair all revealed various arms, all ready to defend themselves. Naturally, this number of firing guns made the panic and chaos all the worse, as glasses smashed, bullets ricocheted and lights went out, women and Tanaguchi screaming as the first man hit the ground.

"Koizumi!" Mikuru cried out, hand outstretched towards the fallen cacti, before Kyon pulled her back.

"It's too late for him," he told her sternly, as Haruhi suddenly joined them behind their table-make-shield.

"Isn't this fun?" she exclaimed, eyes shining.

"We could die!"

"My point exactly!"

Tanaguchi fell backwards, shot in the leg, as the men grew out of control. Seizing opportunity when they saw it, several outlaws began to try to steal from the bar, even as others attempted to escape through broken windows and upstairs.

"Lets' get out of here already, before someone remembers _we_ have the biggest stash of cash to take!" yelled Kyon, not waiting for a reply. Running towards the door he tackled through the wood, dragging Haruhi by the hand. His hat jumped into the air, blown upwards by a stray bullet, even as they ran as fast as they could through the dusty street, sounds of the brawl spilling out behind them. Yuki kept pace, running with a stoic expression on her face, closely followed by Mikuru, stumbling in her boots.

"This was a disaster!" yelled Kyon, face red.

"This was even better then I expected!" whooped Haruhi, spinning to fire random shots back towards the bar.

"Why the hell did I think this time would be any different," moaned Kyon, as they high-tailed it out of town.

"Hey, Yuki did make lots of money!" yelled Haruhi, gesturing towards the bag she was swinging. Unfortunately, only the crazy brunette and Yuki had remembered to take their money in the hurried escape, leaving half of the profits back in the bar. By the time they bought tickets for the coach to the next town over, they had hardly made a profit at all.

* * *

_A/N: I consider this one a failure OTL_

_ It's a western in setting, but the tone and themes aren't at all... Admittedly, a 'lone gunman fuelled by revenge' sort of story would be horribly out of character for Yuki, and she's not down-to-earth enough to pull off any kind of western character staple I know of, so it could be a good thing it worked out like this?_

_Anyway, here is the latest oneshot, please let me know what you thought and would like to see next. Later~_


	5. Salem

Prompt: Salem

Another AU, I should balance the in-universe fics a little more soon

_Aww... this one made me sad. Consider this a warning for people who don't like depressing stories. Also, credit is due to _The Crucible_; if you've read it you ought to feel massive amounts of plagiarised déjà vu in the setting here. I've always been fascinated by the witch hunts~_

* * *

The sky was dark, dawn still a thought on the horizon. All was still in the parish, few up at an hour that could be described as both late and far too early. From the air, the entire town could be seen in a single glance- plain houses and farms dotting the landscape in a small, tight circle. It was almost as if the very structure of the town resisted the outside world, closed from the open landscape and wildlife. The only movement came from the crows, which circled the town eagerly. They knew what to expect when dawn came.

The Reverend, a tall, handsome man, slowly approached the jailhouse. No matter how eagerly he awaited his work, he knew how it would look to rush down to his captive, and how tongues would talk. That would not do. Even if no one could be seen, it was certain that the windows held peeping eyes watching him. Turning the lock, slowly, deliberately, he savoured the moment, thoughts consumed with the anticipation of his holy work.

It was a small building with one story, like most of the dwellings in town. The roof had small leaks along the thatching, and visibility was poor- comfort had not been a concern when they built the jail. Holding his lantern up higher, the man's face was illuminated horribly by the light. Shadows danced across his kind smile, twisting and turning as the flame flickered.

In front of him the light revealed a small, undernourished girl. She was currently in the first cell, sitting up against the stone wall. Being frank the man was surprised she had energy for that small task. Her eyes were blank but open, and her breathing was slow and deep. Not that she was healthy- her silver hair was tangled, streaked with dirt and blood, her skin in a similar state. The plain dress she wore did little to cover her bruising, her exposed arms spider-webbed with lacerations and dried up blood.

"No rest for the wicked, it would seem. Have you been considering His offer?" The man spoke light-heartedly, but was ignored. He wondered if she really had been awake this whole time, or was even awake right now.

The silence between them stretched out for an age.

"Please, reconsider," his tone was jovial, innocent. "The Lord forgives all who seek his warm embrace. I'm sure even one as misguided as yourself wishes to remain in this world?"

The youth glared slightly- a mere tightening of the face- an action unnoticed by the Reverend.

"Listen, this nonsense has gone on long enough! If you insist you are not a witch, then all you must do is accuse the true witch in your place!" He was at the point where a normal man would have stopped smiling, or become violent. But not him, no. He was the Lord's chosen voice in this community; he had to be stronger than such petty desires.

Grinning so hard his jaw muscles began to throb, he began to preach in a pleasant, light voice. He recited three passages that applied to their situation, gradually speaking louder and louder as he tried to convince the heathen of her folly. Still she remained as animated as a corpse, merely glaring at him in sullen silence. He was shouting at her by the fourth passage, voice echoing against the stone in an attempt to break her shell.

"…And set forth they shall! Like the very birds in the sky above, all must land and take flight, for the ever-present deeds of man leave no room for solace! All must rise and fall, just like the heart's of men before them! ALL WHO DARE PRETEND OTHERWISE ARE LESS THAN SHADOWS, TO MOCK THE VERY INTENTIONS THAT BROUGHT THEM TO UTTERANCE! WHEN ALL IS LOST, IT SHALL BE YOU WHOM-"

"What in God's earth are you doing!" The door burst open to reveal a young man, his eyes wide in horror. The Reverend took a moment to compose himself, heart racing- he had nearly lost control for a moment, although his smile and tone had remained kind all the time.

"Have you taken leave of your senses?" the younger man accused, pointing at him with a shaking finger.

"This does not concern you, Kyon," the Reverend held a palm out, gesturing for him to leave.

"It does not concern you either until the sun has risen, Itsuki." He spat the latter man's name as if it were a curse.

"That is Reverend Koizumi, or Father to you," he spoke harshly, jaw clenched in annoyance even as he tried to maintain his ever-present smile.

"I'll be damned to Hell before I call you that!" Kyon barged forward, pushing the older man aside. Kneeling down he tilted the girl's head up towards him gently, looking into her eyes. She didn't meet his gaze, but he felt she was relived at the interruption.

"Y-you cannot do such a thing, boy. Do you have any idea-"

"Be silent!" Kyon snapped, the extent of his fury evident by his voice. "I will do as I please! Is it not appalling enough that this child is going to be murdered at your whim? Give her at least the smallest consideration, and leave us be!" Koizumi struggled with his smile for a moment, deciding he may as well leave them. If Kyon continued to show sympathy with the accused, it would not take too long to ruin him in the eyes of the villagers. Koizumi had already taken too long attempting to appeal to the girl's senses, or lack thereof, and had other preparations to attend to.

"So be it," he muttered weakly, closing the door carefully as he left.

Kyon sighed in relief when they were alone.

"Did he hit you?"

The girl shook her head her head once, indicating a no.

Kyon sighed, muttering, "That is a small relief," as he helped her up.

Cradling the girl in his arms, fearful she might collapse under her own weight like a water lily, Kyon tried to reason with her.

"Nagato, if your pride truly is more important than your life, than I will not stop you. But I cannot just rest back and watch as you are cut down so senselessly! Please, tell me what I can do for you," he implored, eyes urgent.

Nagato opened her mouth, as if to speak, then stopped. Kyon waited, already aware how difficult opening up was for the girl. She had been accused of witchcraft, along with dozens of other villagers recently, and the panic was rising across the countryside, as vicious and real as a forest fire. Other towns had started executing the accused, in the name of His holy work, with an accusation equal to proof.

If someone saw the devil and could point to any demeanour or minor sin of the accused, they were guaranteed a trial. And who among then was perfect? Perfection itself was considered a sin, for claiming you were better then another- when God created all men equal- contradicted the bible directly. And so the madness continued.

"I've been fighting," Kyon began, whispering for her ear alone. "A parish over in the Province of Maine has agreed to listen to my pleas, and we can try to save the accused. But they will not be here in time to help you; I am so sorry." He went silent for a moment, eyes shut.

The pale-haired girl looked up at him, managing a small smile. She rested a cold hand against his cheek, the contact comforting him. Even in her hour of need, she was helping him; the irony of the moment saddened Kyon. It was this beautiful spirit of hers that sentenced her to death, even at such a tender age, which was worse irony still.

The accused could confess to performing witchcraft, and 'seek the Lord's side', which would spare their lives. But admitting to witchcraft would besmirch one's name, and finding a place to exist peacefully after that would be hard. More to the point Kyon knew most-if not all of the villagers- were lying when they confessed, in an attempt to spare their lives. He was torn between applauding them for the lives spared, and the sins they had committed to do so; for lying broke the commandments, and was a sin that would be punished after death of course. To be spared now surely meant later troubles in the afterlife

The entire world had gone mad, and Kyon did not know what he could do. Hugging Nagato tightly, he wished there was something more that could be done.

"I cannot ask you to lie to all, and stay here on Earth," Kyon spoke. His voice was low and controlled, barely audible. "I know that would be a grave sin, and I must not ask it of you. I must not. But I feel so powerless!"

Nagato interrupted him, placing the palm of her hand over his mouth. Her fingers were so slender, so fragile. Kyon embraced her, hugging silently. She knew what he wanted to say, and speaking the words aloud wouldn't achieve anything. But how he wished it could be different.

Kyon, eyes red, silently watched from the side. The stone platform on the edge of town caught the side of the hill, so it was the first place to receive sunlight at dawn. He found himself hating the sun, wishing it would never rise. Koizumi proudly, happily even, conducted the service with improper haste. Dozens of villagers were up at this hour, surrounding the platform. Some argued like Kyon, or were here for a loved one. Many agreed with the hanging, and were celebrating another witch's death. In total, two other men were to be executed along with the slight girl; three lives at once. He felt sick.

Kyon watched the proceedings with a blank expression, mumbling only when spoken to. He knew he couldn't show open support- for fear of being talked about as a witch himself- but part of him was too apathetic to care what tongues talked. Nagato did not deserve this.

She was as silent as possible, not saying a word when the noose was place around her neck. Koizumi seemed almost vengeful for her uncooperative silence, and wrapped it tightly. Yuki Nagato was hanged to death.

A sudden gasp of air escaped her lips, but nothing else. She looked up with imploring eyes at Kyon, the most reassurance she could give him. They would meet again; how she hoped he understood her. Then everything went dark. Her lungs burned for a moment, before the pain in her neck overrode that sensation. A sweet smell overpowered her before that final sense failed her as well, and Nagato fell from this world.

Kyon said nothing, silent for the remainder of the day.


	6. Harem crackfic

Thankyou so much to everyone who's reviewed and favourited! I feel kind of blessed to have regular followers right from the start with these stories, and you've all been very encouraging. I promise to try hard with the remaining stories, and not miss so many replies to reviews *serious expression*

Prompt: Boobies. (Isn't it always?)

That... really was my whole prompt. Call it another crack/harem parody, if you have to, with some OOC fun. Hopefully this brightens the mood after making such a depressing last chapter?

In-universe.

* * *

Kyon slung his bag over his shoulder, ready to head out, when he felt a small tug on his shirt sleeve. He turned to see Nagato, who looked up at him with those curiously blank eyes of hers.

"Hm?" he asked if there was something she wanted, to which she didn't respond.

He waited until the others in the clubroom had gone, pretending he was tying his shoe. In retrospect that was a pretty bad lie, considering they were all in their lace-less school shoes, but no one else seemed to notice so it was okay. When it was just the two of them he asked again, expecting some kind of supernatural problem involving Haruhi.

Well, it wasn't.

"Do you have recommendations?"

"Wait, wait. Could you run that by me again?"

"I shall be absent for the first two weeks of vacation, so as not to arouse suspicion with Haruhi Suzu-"

"No, I got all that just fine. I mean the other part." Kyon felt sweat run down the back of his head as she explained.

"The Data Overmind has come to the conclusion that my physical form will soon cause Haruhi Suzumiya to become suspicious about my alien nature. When I was originally designed to observe from a distance my lack of physical ageing was not a concern. However, presently Suzumiya will become wary if my form remains the same for another year or more."

Kyon wondered what he should say…

"So, basically, you want me to help decide how your body grows over the holidays?" He got silence for a response, but knew that if Nagato said nothing she usually had no objections.

A few seconds passed before he inevitably pictured it- Nagato developing like Asahina, in every wonderful, bouncing, jiggling direction.

"Moe!" he blurted out, wondering why they didn't keep tissues in the clubroom. "She'd like that, right? That's the main reason she brought Asahina to the clubroom, so it stands to reason she'd like a second dress-up doll!"

Nagato looked at him, a miniscule fraction of a small widening of her eyes, combined with the tilting of her head approximately 0.0003 degrees to the side telling Kyon that:

1: she was wondering what he was picturing,

2: was wondering what moe meant, and

3: Nagato now had a craving for a vanilla milkshake.

For some reason Kyon just got her body language like that, even if he couldn't read anyone else. Anyone else would think he was imaging it, or crazy, but he knew. Her silence proved it.

"Anyway, um..." Kyon took a moment to compose himself, before asking. "Could you try to have the same physique as Asahina-san, except maybe... bigger?"

"Understood," the pale girl replied, before glowing softly. Wait, she was transforming right now? Kyon's prayers seemed to be answered as the glowing silhouette grew taller, and began to curve out more.

Then, the glowing stopped, and Kyon's face fell, purple lines of depression surrounding him.

"Not bigger like that!" he cried out. Yuki looked at him, wondering what he meant- she was bigger, correct? Yuki's body had transformed into an incredibly overweight version of Asahina, with curves and bulges in all the wrong places.

"No, no, no," Kyon shivered, belatedly remembering how literal the girl could be. "Try to be slimmer then Asahina in most areas, but a little taller," he suggested. Yuki complied, her once-again glowing body shooting up until it was Koizumi's height, the morbid obesity (it had only been a few pounds, really) disappearing. Kyon sighed in relief- this was more like it!

Yuki was now a foot taller, and her face and body seemed similar to how it was before. She gazed expressionlessly at Kyon, who fought not to point out her uniform remained unchanged- on her taller body, her underwear was all-too visible. Why always blue and white stripes, anyway? Her legs were like a flamingos, tall and smooth, and the man in Kyon was definitely pleased

"Is this adequate?" Yuki asked, unsure where to proceed.

"Wait, maybe try and make one or two areas, erm, larger now," Kyon suggested, hands out like he was holding two watermelons at the supermarket that just happened to be ripe and firm. Yuki took the subtle hint, chest bursting forward through her uniform. Kyon made the face the Coyote must have made when he finally captured the Roadrunner- his life's goals achieved at last- as Yuki's sailor top was lifted by the sheer size of her 'swimsuit area', revealing her slim stomach below.

"That's perfect!" Kyon gave her the thumbs up, looking away to try and control himself. Yuki looked down for a moment, concern flickering across her face as she idly prodded one of the mounds.

"Such a form might impede physical movement, and data indicates visibility would increase by 317% among the male population if my form on this plane was this... convex." A small tint of red sprinkled across her cheeks.

"Oh... is... that a bad thing?" Kyon asked, testing her response.

"Similar incidents such as what transpired with your middle school associate 'Nakagawa' may arise. This may be...," Yuki searched for the right word for a moment, "Problematic."

"Oh, I see," Kyon laughed casually, his inner pervert weeping as Yuki toned down her new look, to what Taniguchi would have expertly identified as a B-cup. "Well, maybe you could grow your hair out like Tsuruya?" he suggested, fingers crossed. Yuki complied, hair shimmering as it exploded from behind her, pale silver threads growing. It was comparable to watching a flower blossom on fast-forward- a rare and beautiful thing to watch unfold.

"That seems kind of awkward to move with, maybe put it in a ponytail?" suggested Kyon instantly, ignoring all attempts at poetry as his lecherous old man side began to surface once more.

"..." Yuki looked at him for a moment, expression blank.

"Ponytail? Whaddaya say?" Kyon waited eagerly, before sensing something was wrong.

Yuki clenched her eyes shut, slapping him hard across the cheek. Kyon hit the ground; she could hit _hard_. Sitting up with a groan, he realized she had turned back to normal.

"Um, sorry, guess I got a little carried away," he laughed, hoping he hadn't offended her somehow.

"..."

"Nagato? What's wrong?"

"...I don't wish to..." Yuki whispered.

"You don't want to what?"

"I do not... want to look like those whores..." Yuki whispered.

"W-w-whores? You... you mean Asahina and Tsuruya?"

"Yes." Yuki spoke louder, more confidently. "They dress like sluts, and are fancied by a disproportionately large amount of the male and female population."

Kyon couldn't believe she was saying this. Soft-spoken Yuki, use words like slut and whore? Is this really how she felt about the others? And most importantly, what was that she had mentioned about other females liking the babes?

"I am... sorry I cannot comply with your requests. Severe moral programming insists I sleep with other individuals on my own merits, not those of my physical form." Kyon stared. Was she kidding?

"But, but, none of you actually ever sleep with anyone, right? I mean, we're all in school, and-"

"I have slept and performed intercourse with twenty-six students this year," Yuki informed him calmly.

"WHAT?"

"However, this number pales in comparison with similar data obtained from Mikuru Asahina, who has slept with the entirety of class 1-9."

"Are... are you serious? Hey, wait! That's Koizumi's class! That bastard!" Kyon felt the kind of rage that turned someone into The Incredible Hulk, or Super Saiyan. Koizumi slept with Asahina? He thought the cheery yes-man was supposed to be gay!

"Do you want to get back at them, together?" Kyon offered, realizing the opportunity.

"No." _An instant rejection! No hesitation!_

"Wh-why not? It'd add to your numbers, and, well, I've always liked you Nagato-"

"It would not count with you."

"Of course it would! I'm a healthy, hot-blooded male," Kyon looked up at the slender girl, now on his knees as he literally begged for the chance.

"You would perform intercourse with any girl who suggested so; only securing the virginity of difficult targets is eligible for our contest," Nagato replied, totally serious. She could have been talking about the weather for all of the humour in her tone.

"Is... is that how you see me? Surely I'm on a higher level then the likes of Taniguchi, or the Computer Club President, right?" Kyon held his hands out, expecting immediate approval.

"No." _Another instant response! How cold!_

Yuki blinked once, before looking the grovelling student dead-on and explaining herself. "Someone such as your taller associate 'Taniguchi' is extremely uncomfortable when around females of a similar age. He proclaims loudly against this, but is irrationally fearful when actually within 'striking zone' with a female. The possibility he will 'sleep with' anyone before leaving mandatory high schooling is extremely low."

"Wait... he's too scared and gentlemanly to go all the way?" Kyon shook his head, not surprised.

"Correct. That is why he is the ultimate subject in our competition; whichever one of us manages to bed the individual known as 'Taniguchi' shall be victorious."

Kyon felt like slamming his head into something very heavy, and preferably sharp as well.

"So you, Asahina-san and Tsuruya are all competing to sleep with... _Taniguchi__?_"

"That is correct."

Later that night, Kyon opened an account for F My Life dot com. His became one of the highest-ranked sob-stories on the net, and he never did get to sleep with Yuki.

* * *

A/N: As Superstarultra said "it's not a complete TMOHS crack story without a shot at Mikuru's body." Well, after writing the fantasy and Salem fics, I don't want to gain any kind of reputation as a respectable author, do I... that would set the bar far too high for my liking. God I'm tired; can you tell? It's 4am here, yet I just had to update the day the movie came out, so here I am... Constructive criticism is welcome as always, etc. Thanks for reading!


	7. Haunted House

Prompt: Haunted House

In universe

_(Quick note: one read shows this obviously falls under the friendship/comfort kind of genres, despite the setting. I might tackle a horror/mystery genre further down the track, but this kind of story is good to try too, and I'm pretty happy with how it came out.)_

* * *

The house was old; cobwebs and dust lined the doorframe, weeds the size of rosebushes decorated the front yard. The furniture was tattered and unused, or what remained of it anyway. Following some incidents in the news, including a highly-publicized murder a decade ago, this house had remained on the market, abandoned.

In short, it was perfect for Haruhi.

The door swung open noisily; threads of golden light drifted into the gloom, dust particles dancing in the light.

"I can't believe we're doing this," Kyon deadpanned. The perfectly-trimmed nails digging into his arm spurred him on, as Haruhi forced him across the threshold.

"Wow! There's sure to be ghosts in a house like this! Oh- look at the state of this couch!" An explosion of dust and dirt announced a girl belly-flopping onto the retired sofa.

"I-i-it's kinda scary..." stuttered the brigade mascot, Mikuru.

"This is indeed perfect; I don't believe anyone's been here in quite sometime," agreed the smiling Koizumi. In the gloom it was hard to tell if his smile was forced or not. The silent Yuki followed last, closing the door behind them, shutting out most of the light as she did so.

"Am I really the only one who has a problem with breaking and entering?" Kyon, ever the voice of reason, spoke up.

"Oh please, they haven't been here in ages," Haruhi brushed his point aside as easily as the cobwebs in front of the kitchen.

"So much for honouring the dead...," the brunet sighed.

The group- still wearing their school uniforms- headed into a dilapidated dining room, Kyon and Mikuru bumping into chairs in the dark. Away from the dirty windows of the living room there was even less light, something neither of them would have believed possible until now.

"Interesting...," Koizumi mused. "It would seem the ivy growing along the wall has completely covered this side of the house, and all of the windows along it."

"A perfect atmosphere for the undead!" exclaimed Haruhi knowledgably. "Five points!"

"If you wanted it to be dark, why did we head here so early in the morning?" Kyon pointed out, hands sweeping the room. "It's not like I've ever read a story where ghosts come out at breakfast time, while the protagonist is eating cornflakes- this is probably the least suspenseful time of day."

"You really don't know anything, do you Kyon?" the potential time-quake or goddess sat huffily on the table, arms folded.

Yuki listened to their exchange as she nonchalantly examined a blue-and-white teacup with a beautiful floral design, over by the bench.

"It's currently eight fourty-five here in Japan, right?" her arms pointed out, a common gesture for Haruhi.

"I know that; you woke us up at a god-forbidden time and made us take the train out to the suburbs to get here! We're supposed to be in school right now," the boy accused.

"Details. In fifteen minutes it'll be midnight exactly in Dublin, Ireland time."

"That's nice for them. At least someone gets to sleep."

Yuki placed the cup back down, exactly in the circle of dust it had lain in before, before lifting some kind of crystal salt shaker and peering through it. Its design looked like it rested against another hexagonal crystal, presumably a pepper holder, but its twin was nowhere to be found.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. But today is November first; you see now?" Haruhi jumped with her revelation, bursting with excitement.

"...so? What's so special about today?"

"Were you born defective or something? In fifteen minutes it'll be midnight on Halloween, in the area Halloween is said to originate from, full of Celtic and neopagan importance! This is the best chance to catch a ghost we'll ever have!"

"Even though it's morning here, and ghosts are known for coming out at night?"

"That doesn't matter! It's always night somewhere, and right now is the best time of all for ghosts."

"...Only you could interpret the facts into something like that." Kyon slapped his hand against his forehead, yawning loudly as he gave up.

Yuki returned from the pantry, having confirmed the matching crystal piece wasn't in the kitchen anymore. She placed the first one back where she found it, hesitating for an unknown reason. The maniacal Brigade leader had disappeared for a short while to the bathroom, to clothe Mikuru in proper 'Halloween clothes'. The purple-haired girl was slightly aggravated as always; the emotional data was presumably because she could no longer fulfil her purpose and observe Haruhi Suzumiya during these times, when Mikuru was being changed.

"Have you noticed?" Koizumi leant against the window, face shrouded in darkness. "Miss Suzumiya has been leaning towards the occult as of late. It's quite an interesting development for her psyche."

"Spare me," Kyon collapsed into a chair. "How is her chasing ghosts any different from looking for aliens, exactly?" He looked up at Yuki as he said this.

"Well, to tell you the truth, there are multiple reasons or explanations as to why this might be," Koizumi shrugged good-naturedly. "However, it is my belief that Suzumiya is feeling more in touch with her roots, and feels more comfortable with her grounding and place in the world."

"You're not really making any sense," Kyon admitted, rubbing his head.

"Oh; perhaps I should clarify then," Koizumi's smile grew larger. Yuki was facing both of them in a triangle now, as they often did when discussing Haruhi, making notes about the possibilities the boys were exploring.

"Before, we were on the hunt for more modern, science-fiction-based entities. Aliens, time travellers, sliders, espers such as myself."

"Get to the point before she's back."

"Well, recent events organised by Miss Suzumiya have been much more spiritual in nature, have they not? The demon exorcism at the lake last month, the hunt for the haunted samurai hakama that was stolen from the museum, which ended so well-"

"Don't remind me," Kyon shuddered.

"-and now a ghost search. It would seem our lovely leader feels much more secure in her past, if you follow my current psycho-analysis. Admittedly, it is only a theory," Koizumi continued, talking far too long for the other teen.

"Does it really matter if she's comfortable with her past or not? If she still causes trouble for us, then it doesn't really matter if she's hooked on yetis, crop circles or ghosts," Kyon shrugged.

"Do you think so?" the charming esper laughed after replying, not answering Kyon directly.

"Nagato, any thoughts to share, or is he just guessing ahead again?" Yuki suddenly had attention on her.

"..." The sole ordinary human present took that to be a no, turning back to the door as Haruhi and her life-size dress up doll entered the room.

"Ta-daaa~!" The brunette waved her hands towards Mikuru, who immediately cringed backwards. "Isn't she perfect?"

"She is a vision of grace, well done."

"Uh, wow-"

"Kyon! Stop looking at her like that! Perv."

"Don't glare at me like that! You asked us what we thought!"

Yuki felt her head tilt, as she looked at the girl in confusion. Mikuru was wearing an exquisite wedding dress that hugged her form well, complete with veil and heels, and her hair was done up fancily. Anyone could see Haruhi was getting quicker at dressing Mikuru- or the time traveller was putting up less resistance. Cheeks turning scarlet from equal parts embarrassment and heavy use of blush, Mikuru fought the urge to wail.

"But, why am I a bride? I'm- I'm not getting married, _am I_?"

"Of course not! I'd personally kill any schmuck who tried to take you away from me, Mikuru!" Haruhi exclaimed, in a gesture that was undoubtedly meant to reassure the redhead, but failed on a cataclysmic scale to do anything close to that.

"If even someone like me noticed this, I have to wonder if you're thinking at all," Kyon raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Surely a wedding dress in a place that hasn't seen the good end of a mop in a decade is a bad idea?"

"Don't be such a spoilsport! You see girls in wedding dresses in horror films all the time, right? It's a classic fit!" Harhi defended her latest costume idea protectively.

"Well, I have to admit it really does suits her-"

"We've wasted enough time!" Haruhi interrupted her lackey mid-praise, checking the time on her cell impatiently. "Those ghosts will definitely show up in five minutes, so we have to cover this whole place. Any objections?"

One look at her determined frown brought a silence to the team, as Haruhi made them draw lots like usual. Two of them were to head to the basement- the most likely place for a ghost- which turned out to be Kyon and Haruhi, by some kind of strange coincidence that most likely wasn't a coincidence at all. Another pair had been ordered to head up and watch the attic- also a likely place for sightings according to the sudden expert on astral beings- which turned out to be Yuki and Mikuru.

"And myself?" asked Koizumi graciously, holding out the red-tipped toothpick.

"You can watch the first floor here, as well as the entrance."

"The entrance...?"

"We broke in, didn't we?" Haruhi casually admitted, before dragging Kyon eagerly down below into the basement. "call if the cops arrive or anything!"

"So what are we going to do if we find one, exactly?" Kyon wondered absently. "Catch it with a butterfly net?"

"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic!" Haruhi's voice echoed as they headed down across a hallway to the stairs. "No ghost will want to hang out with us if you keep acting like a loser, Kyon! That's another penalty!"

Silence filled the void as the door closed, and the couple disappeared from view. Yuki was aware that the other two brigade members felt quite awkward once they were alone like this, which happened often when the storm at the center of their lives dragged Kyon away in private. In fact, while Mikuru, Koizumi and herself got along well enough, none of the trio had anything in common, and at least one of them would have been expected to be hostile to the others under any other circumstance. Their respective factions and benefactors were incapable of co-existing, to Yuki's mind.

"Well, I suppose we ought to do as she says, in case she comes up early. I'll be exploring the living room, ladies," Koizumi bowed, extracting himself from the tense atmosphere smoothly.

"Oh-oh, I g-guess we should go upstairs, huh, N-N-Nagato?" Mikuru stammered, not moving. Yuki agreed with her judgement, heading up the nearby staircase. The time traveller followed several steps behind, eyes looking back and away from Yuki nervously.

The stairs creaked loudly before they made it into a low-roofed room, golden light mercifully spilling through the skylight. The pair blinked in response to the sudden change, eyes straining for one of them to see the furniture- a seemingly arbitrary assortment of spinning wheels, chairs, boxes and several pieces of pottery. Threading their way past all of this in silence, the pair had little to do- both knew the likelihood of a ghost appearing, particularly with their charge currently happily enjoying themselves with Him.

Mikuru's legs were shaking; as she stepped past a vase she tripped in the new heels, falling forward into Yuki.

"Eeeeh!" The slighter girl caught her quickly, arms propping her back up.

"Um, th-thanks..." Ruby lips curled up into a grateful smile, even as she tried to back away from Yuki.

"..." Yuki tilted her head slightly, curious. "You still feel afraid of me." It was a statement, not a question.

"...!" Mikuru Asahina blushed, hands on her cheeks in response. "No! N-n-not really..." she murmured, looking away. Yuki said nothing in response, gazing expressionlessly at nothing in particular. Surges of unexplainable data assaulted her whenever she looked at the girl opposite her in the pristine gown , veil framing her face.

"This is awkward, huh..." Mikuru sighed, lifting the dress to sit down on a wooden trunk. Yuki nodded slightly- an act unnoticed- standing still where she was. Her eyes followed a small spider disturbed by their intrusion, climbing frantically up a small thread in the corner of the light space. The room was silent now save for the taller girl's breathing, which was just a little faster then regular. The morning light drifted in with all the speed and urgency of a milkman, but the calming aura of the room was for nothing.

Mikuru fidgeted with her nails, looking up at her partner in spirit-hunting, and back down again quickly. The bibliophile stood almost perfectly still, eyes turning to look once more at Mikuru, noting her appearance carefully.

Carefully with silent steps Yuki walked over and sat next to Mikuru. The younger girl stiffened, but said nothing, as the pale girl turned and looked at her. The blue of her uniform stood out in the light, one of the only pieces of colour in a room of dust and greys.

"It would be...," Yuki paused, searching for the right word, "Efficient... were we to communicate more."

"Efficient?" Mikuru looked at her as if she had never heard the word before. "Like, both of us?"

"..."

Mikuru put a hand on her chest, trying to calm down. Her heart rate was noticeably worse then usual. She was torn between saying something back or pretending the alien had never spoken.

"Um..." she gave up almost immediately, looking away. The girl was still next to her, looking right in Mikuru's direction with a gaze as piercing as the lasers she had once emitted. The thought of being near her was mildly terrifying, as always, but she had to stay strong.

The bride for a day shifted nervously, thigh brushing against Yuki's leg, causing her to flinch back with a small "eep!". It was no use- she wasn't that strong of a person. For some reason Mikuru found herself thinking of Kyon just then, and all of the things he had accomplished without any powers, knowing half of the things the others did. Kyon would probably want them to get along, if she asked him...

"Um, I'd really like that too!" she exclaimed suddenly, eyes clenched shut. Yuki looked at her, blinking once.

"I would like..." she began, trailing off, a sudden twitch of emotion crossing her delicate features.

"You'd like what?" Mikuru asked, somewhat curious. Yuki seemed almost... shy.

"To acquire data," she replied stiffly. "On... appearance, and physical matter." The petite girl was now talking at barely a whisper, and Mikuru was half-convinced she had misheard.

"I'd... I'd like to be more useful, like you are," she admitted, blushing. _To him_, she silently finished. Both of the girls looked at each other, smiles tugging at the corner of their lips.

Yuki turned her head back again, surges of raw data once again crashing through her system. She was suffering more glitches like this lately it seemed, but she had not reported the errors yet. Eyes down, she quickly crouched forward, nose touching the inside of a box as she looked closely at something. Mikuru watched in surprise as she lifted a small crystal vial, filled with pepper.

"Is... something wrong?" she asked, curious at the girl's sudden fixation. She hadn't seen this level of feeling on the pale girl's face in a long time, if ever.

"Not anymore."

* * *

_A/N: As I write this on Christmas Eve, I cannot help but wonder why I chose a Halloween-based fic... _

_Nevertheless, I'm happy with this; this is the first fic that could properly fit in with cannon to some extent, and Yuki and Mikuru's relationship is one of the least explored between the SOS members. __I'll try to focus on the bit characters next, or write a request or two, so look forward to it~ _


	8. Assassin

Prompt: Assassin, although it quickly became a Full Metal Panic! homage. As a result, I decided to make it a full-blown parody for any FMP! fans out there~

AU

* * *

At first glance, the girl wasn't there. She was lying across the carpet, stiller than a snake about to pounce, and twice as deadly. She was petite for her age, a wisp of a girl. A mess of short purple hair and glasses were all that stood out, her clothing dark and plain to suit the gloom.

She was currently resting her sights through the erm, sight, of a long sniper, aim centred on the man's balding head. She had lain like that, emotionless and still, for the past fifteen minutes as the suit completed his speech. Next to her I- Kyon, the unfortunate high schooler next to her- shifted uncomfortably. How could she be so still?

We were currently in the bare room of an apartment on the eight floor of a high-rise complex in the city. The structure afforded us an excellent vantage point over the whole conference below, where various officials were discussing foreign policy. Absolutely none of it made any sense as far as I could tell, but it seemed important.

The entire apartment was empty from what I'd seen, wooden floorboards and white walls our backdrop. The girl by my side hadn't explained why we were here, and I still knew next-to-nothing about her.

"Listen, you really don't need me here, I'll just get in the way of whatever you're about to do, I mean, so-"

"Stay," her quiet voice was controlled, and somehow conveyed incredible seriousness in that one word.

Gulping, I leaned against the wall and gave up. For all I knew, she'd attack or shoot if I tried to leave without permission. Passing the time, I pushed my puny mind trying to remember something about her. She'd transferred into my school about two weeks ago, and was kind of odd. Her oral report was a history of her favourite guns, with live ammunition and real guns brought in for a demonstration.

Her name was Nagato, right? Yeah, that sounded right. I'd never spoken to her, but she was weird. Ultra serious all of the time, saluting the teachers like we were in the army or something. I was pretty sure she'd followed me home once or twice, but it might just have been a coincidence as she said. I hadn't really had time to think about her, being dragged into yet more of Haruhi's troubles lately, but she was definitely abnormal.

Static burst through the silence, startling me. Geez, that was loud! Nagato was staring intently at a receiver of some kind, a walkie-talkie to a layman like me. I couldn't make out many words but she seemed used to deciphering the thing, and understood what the man on the other end was saying.

"Target is acquired and dormant. Security on Priority One has been established with minimal resistance or enquiry," her lips moved mere millimetres as she fired off her report in a low tone.

Wait; was I the 'target' or the one she was security for? I couldn't tell if her gun was aimed to protect someone out there or to shoot someone. That could make me her captive target, as opposed to someone out there… Shaking my head, I tried not to panic. This was probably just a bad prank or something, right? No one would actually get shot in this day and age, surely?

Another burst of static interrupted my jumbled thoughts, although the only words I could hear were 'stand-by' and 'surveillance'. She replied with a single word- 'affirmative' and put the device away in her bag. I briefly wondered what else was in there- a large black bag, it looked more like the kind of thing you would wear when hiking than what a school girl would consider, especially when it was practically the size of the girl in question. Maybe there was another gun in there, and I could escape this crazy girl?

"Stay passive. My team are coming to retrieve you soon." Looking up, I realized Nagato was staring at me. Her round face seemed very small, framed by her hair and glasses. She looked so normal, even kind of cute- why had she kidnapped me?

"I did not kidnap you. You followed me through your own free will."

"You told me you had something to tell me! I thought we were going to a café or something!"

"A café would not meet the mission requirements. It would not have been possible to take you there and guarantee your security."

What did I say to something like that? This was weirder then when Haruhi kidnapped me for 'dates', where she insisted we were out looking for aliens and time travellers in the mall. And anyway, cafes, your house, here- the location doesn't matter, you still pulled out a gun and told me to 'stay silent' when we got here! If that's not a threat, how am I supposed to react?

Nagato was ignoring me again, concentrating on some old guy through the window through her Parker Hale Model 85. I was getting really uncomfortable staying in the corner, but she glared at me the moment I went to wander around the room. Was she keeping me away from the windows? From what I could see the sky was now grey, reflecting my mood.

After a few minutes of terse silence, my patience was rewarded with the sound of keys rattling at the door. I looked up to see two teenagers enter, a guy and a girl.

"Ah, sorry if we kept you waiting," the guy bowed slightly to see us, grinning. He looked slightly effeminate, with good hair and clothes my mother would call 'smart'.

"G-g-good evening, Nagato-san," stammered the girl, eyes wide. She could be described in one word: wow. Never before had I seen such a radiant, pure expression on a living being. She had long red hair, a figure to kill over, and was dressed like a clothing model for UNIQLO. Forcing my mouth shut with both hands, I got up to greet them.

"Ah, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, -kun." The guy had addressed me by my last name, something I'd managed to hold secret so far at school. After all, it was the only thing more embarrassing than my regular nickname 'Kyon'. _How did he know that?_ He introduced himself as Koizumi Itsuki, and the goddess by his side as Asahina Mikuru.

Wait, 'finally meet you'?

"Oh? Hasn't Nagato explained the situation yet?" Koizumi turned his head to her, curious even as he smiled. It was only when we were all looking at the silent sniper that she bothered to speak, as if just noticing us.

"It was unnecessary."

"Unnecessary? You mean you were supposed to tell me why I was kidnapped?" I was suitably outraged.

"I have already affirmed I did not kidnap you. Your assumption is incorrect."

"Um, let me," Asahina spoke up nervously. "Nagato-san is, well, um, she doesn't mean to be distant- it's just how she is." I'd give her the chance to explain without freaking out- it helped that the beauty was the one talking to me.

"Our force has been sent to the area to infiltrate and secure positions in your school. Nagato was sent ahead to your class, for possible threat analysis and to secretly guard you."

And she's crazy too. I tried to listen to her explanation without interrupting, but it was hard. Just why would I of all people need guarding?

"Um, that's a complicated answer. Kyon-kun, your father studies Arm Slave's for a living, right? So you know about them well?"

Arm slaves? You mean those giant robots they use in the Middle East for war?

"Oh, maybe I should start with Ms Suzumiya," Asahina fidgeted as she answered me. Koizumi unfolded some steel chairs he had suddenly brought from a room over, and offered me a seat.

If I really was under their protection, why did it feel like I had no choice? Sighing, I glanced towards my kidnapper- she was blankly staring off through the window through her sniper's sights once more. Even though a woman was speaking outside now, Nagato seemed to have a clear view of the first man's seat, and head.

Interpreting my glance correctly, Koizumi spoke up:

"Nagato is monitoring our secondary objective, which involves a foreign delegate causing trouble. It's nothing to concern yourself with, truly," he flicked his hair as he replied. His smile was kind of annoying me.

"Is she going to kill someone?"

"Well, that depends on our orders. It's likely that he'll mention something bothersome, in which case we may be needed to stop him." He sounded regretful, at least, but he still sounded cold and crazy to my ears.

"We didn't mean to meet you like this, really!" Asahina looked at me pleadingly, like a child. "Someone else was meant to take this job while we introduced ourselves to you."

"I explained earlier," Nagato spoke up in her quiet voice. "It would be more efficient to complete both missions at once, and free up personnel. Neither mission should be compromised by the dual-nature of today's objectives."

"She's just annoyed at the idea of wasting a day talking with you, when we could do it for her while she gets the dangerous mission," Koizumi translated. "Never much for sitting around relaxing, our Naga-chan."

Naga-chan? Was he serious?

"Regardless, I hope you don't think badly of us for this. The man's a spy for multiple governments, and is indirectly responsible for over one dozen deaths, if it eases your conscience." Koizumi said this matter-of-factly, as if it were common knowledge.

"The reason we're here is to guard you, like Asahina-chan explained earlier. We represent a counter-terrorist force known as Mithril, and believe your life is under threat, for one."

Wait. Threat from what? How do I believe you when I've never even heard of this organization? As far as I'm concerned, you're all just crazy, gun-wielding kids who're role-playing, and have forced me into whatever this is all by mistake. Even if you are from some super military group, why would they be interested in protecting an average high schooler like me? I hardly get straight B's.

"Armoured Mobile Master-Slave System, or Arm Slave for short. Highly powerful and dangerous machines on the battle-field, in the right hands. Have you ever wondered who invented these?" Koizumi looked at me with that same smile, infuriating me.

"What does this have to do with me? Is someone using an Arm Slave to attack me or something?" My frustration was showing by now, but I didn't really care.

"Koizumi, maybe now isn't the time for the whole explanation." Asahina glanced concernedly in my direction. "All you need to know for now is that Haruhi Suzumiya is a very unique individual, and it concerns you."

Wait, Haruhi's involved? My chivalrous side wanted to yell at them for going near her, although my practical side wasn't exactly surprised.

"Ms Suzumiya is one of a small number of individuals known as the 'Whispered'- people privy to vast amounts of data unknown to the human race." Nagato spoke up surprisingly, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. It seemed these 'Whispered' were responsible for creating most advances in technology in the past decade or two, and had little in common with each other, or a way to find who would become one next.

"You have been contacted as her situation is unique, and seems reliant on you." Koizumi tried to explain in more detail, after her summary proved confusing, but I still had questions.

"Wait, these Whispered- they're just really smart people? Why not just ask her to skip school and become an engineer or something?"

"If only it were that simple. The majority of Whispered have little control over their information, and all Whispered are in high demand by governments and organizations like us. Miss Suzumiya is even more exceptional than most."

"And what do I have to do with all that?"

"Her ability should tell us about AS, or Arm Slave production. It is highly likely that her mind contains the secrets to creating completely revolutionary mecha, if it were possible to tap it." The idea of Haruhi creating gigantic Weapons of Mass Destruction was the first reasonable thing they'd said all day, not that it answered my question.

"I was getting to that. It would seem her ability lies dormant, more so than with other Whispered, and only surfaces around your presence."

Me?

"Kyon-kun," Asahina looked at me again with those big eyes, "You are the key to her powers. Ms Suzumiya has the ability to recreate this world- that's why our group has met with you. We'd like your help."

How, why, and who cared were all questions that flashed through my mind. I may seem sceptical, but so far they had one gun to back up their military background, and no movie-style credentials or fancy gadgets. Not that I would be able to tell if an ID were fake or not, but the effort would at least make me feel better.

Their explanation was interrupted as Nagato suddenly picked up her receiver again, speaking urgently. Her voice sounded more like she was narrating a bedtime story for a little girl, so gentle and passive. It was kind of confusing to listen to.

"Target has vacated area ahead of schedule, no visual communication. Repeat, target has moved ahead of schedule."

The others were suitably alarmed, although personally I was just wondering why she wasn't using a mobile phone. Was that old-fashioned receiver really more reliable than a cell? I guess it might be harder to bug, not that I pretend to know about these things.

"Naga-chan, tell me you saw which way he was headed." Koizumi stood up suddenly, tone more serious.

"Negative," Nagato murmured her response, even as she surveyed the area.

They checked the other windows between them, worried. Was this guy dangerous to us or something? I thought the worst he was capable of was talking into a microphone?

"Well, you see," Asahina was the only one kind enough to bother answering me in their panic, "he has a history of doing very wild things. He is dangerous and unpredictable. It's also possible he knew we would be watching from here."

Wow. With odds like that, I wondered why they had gone on this 'mission' at all. My reply was cut short when an explosion rocked the wall nearby, risking both my life and my clean underwear.

"Move!" Koizumi immediately leapt forward, disappearing into a cloud of smoke and dust. Asahina wailed briefly, having fallen down to her knees. What had just happened? What should I do? People could die! I could die! Oh shit!

"Calm down," a voice whispered in my ear. I looked behind to notice Nagato standing quietly against the far wall, handgun drawn. I could have sworn she was speaking close into my ear, the way her soft voice carried. I was still confused, wondering why there had been an explosion if no one was in the hallway, and nothing was making any sense.

"Do as I say and follow," was all I got from her. Nagato didn't even look back, running ahead to check the corridor outside the apartment. I glanced back at Asahina, who was currently bent over the radio and trying to contact someone.

"Your safer with her, please go," she encouraged me. Well, if the purple-haired girl had the gun, I guess I was safer in her direction.

Looking out, I saw her gesture at me to get behind her on the staircase.

"Is there anyone dangerous here? Where'd the smiley guy go?"

"Not now," Nagato shut me up as she ran up the stairs. I followed, crashing somewhat louder than her silent footsteps and perfect balance. We barely got up the stairs when another explosion rocked the hallway, dust exploding below.

"Hey, Asahina's down there!" I panicked.

"She will be fine. Follow," was all I got. Some counsellor she was turning out to be.

We continued up to the top of the building, which seemed like a bad idea in hindsight. Shouldn't we have headed down, to escape? If the building collapsed from the explosions (of which we'd heard even more from below), we would fall with the place. Thankfully, this wasn't a movie with gigantic balls of flame destroying entire cities. These seemed comparable to grenades, focused blasts that took out one section of wall at a time. But no one was around; had the explosives been planted earlier?

Naturally, Nagato ignored my not-unreasonable points, heading out to the roof silently. The door was locked, and took her a moment to pick. Funny, I thought she'd bust it down in her rush; not that such a small girl would be able to break down the steel door of course, but she was meant to be a soldier, and it felt like she could do something like that.

The roof was deserted, except for one man. I say man, but he was really more of a teenager. And I should know- I went to that loser's birthday a few months ago!

"Tanaguchi, what the HELL are you doing here?"

"Shut it Kyon," he sneered down at me, expression odd. "Come quietly with me and you can live." He then raised a gun in one hand, the other holding a grey remote control linked to wires running down the side of the building, smashing every scrap of sanity I once possessed. You've gotta be kidding me... This guy the bad guy? This is all some kind of horrible prank or misunderstanding, right?

"No standing around!" he snarled, hair flicking in front of his face. "We need that Whispered, and a little birdy tells me you're the key for her lock. Get over here now, Kyon." I looked towards Nagato, wondering what to do. This was so...

"We knew one of the other students would be a spy for their side, but until now..." she muttered, eyeing Tanuguchi.

"Are you going to blow up the building if I don't go with you? You could kill yourself!" I pointed out, about as cleverly as I could considering my panic.

"Of course I won't die, fool," Tanaguchi sneered again. Man I hate that face. "But your new friends down there might feel the smaller explosions, even if the roof still stands. And this gun's more than enough for you two." I gulped; this guy wasn't messing around. Nagato grabbed my arm, just a gentle pinch of my sleeve, and began to lead me over to the centre of the roof.

As insane as this sounds, I forgot about the psycho student with the weapons, as well as Haruhi and myself being in danger right then. Nagato grabbing my sleeve like that was such a shy, cute movement, and seemed so out of place for the hardened soldier- it was ridiculously sweet. The feeling lasted all of two seconds before she glared at me to get moving, but I still haven't forgotten that moment.

"Not you! Just the boy." Great, I was going to go alone with this guy... That killed the mood quicker then my mother walking in the room during an intimate moment. And no, I don't understand my own metaphors either at this point.

I looked over at Nagato, who simply nodded and pressed me forward. Haven't you got a weapon you could be using?

"Not now," she muttered, looking away. What the hell did that mean? I couldn't see any glowing force field around the rooftop, or whatever they would announce next that could somehow disable her handgun. Things were moving so quickly my head spun.

With barely any explanation I was suddenly being kidnapped by _Tanaguichi_, of all people. If he wanted Haruhi, then he also believed that she was some kind of magical girl, right? So he was as insane as the others, but not one on my side.

Legs trembling like a man in physical therapy for the first time since a car crash, I walked towards my psychotic classmate.

"Put these on and kneel down," he said coldly, tossing me a pair of handcuffs.

"Kinky," I joked weakly, but was thankfully ignored. I've heard in a panic the mind can stop working, and this proved that theory for me completely.

On the ground he finished handcuffing my hands for me behind my back. The whole time he kept his weapon pointed at the lone girl on the other side of the rooftop. Her expression was as still as ever, which ruled out the possibility she was trying to tell me something.

"I'm going to have trouble going down the stairs like this," I warned him.

"Idiot. I have a better escape route then the stairs," came his reply. I know he's meant to be evil and all, but Tanaguchi seemed to be insulting me for no reason at this point. Was he always such a jerk? It was just a comment, I thought.

"We're flying out," he announced casually, as a helicopter-mecha suddenly appeared next to me. Flinching back in surprise, I realised it had been stealth-cloaked. I must have walked within inches of it earlier- that would have hurt to run into.

"Now, in the back. Take it slow, no funny movements," ordered Tanaguchi, as he pressed seemingly random buttons on his remote. A cloud of smoke burst from a window below us, along with an ominous rumble.

"Stop that! I'm going, there's no need to hurt anyone!" I quickly hurried in, hoping the others weren't caught in that latest blast.

Past the tangle of black wire and controls that adorned the mecha, I looked outside the window. The rooftop was empty; where was Nagato?

"What are you looking at?" asked Tanaguchi in his annoying jerk-way, right behind me.

"Um, nothing!" I quickly exclaimed. Smooth, Kyon.

He frowned for a second, peering out.

"Where's the bitch?" he yelled, turning. He ran out, only to suddenly crumple to the ground. What the-?

He stared firing wildly, bullets bouncing off thin air. The ricochet brought up a flicker, as the Arm Slave pinning him to the concrete was revealed.

"What the?" he yelled, suddenly panicking. I watched in complete confusion as this second mecha- a sleek grey one shaped almost like a human- pulled the gun out of his hand, crushing it to pieces without a thought.

Still with a leg over his torso, standing on him, a figure exited through the lift on the back.

Nagato? Where did she get a mecha?

"It was cloaked alongside the enemies mecha all along," she replied calmly.

My mind was as slow as ever, what with the turn of events.

"So, you hid your robot- um, Arm Slave, here on the roof as well? And jumped in the moment he was distracted with me?"

"Affirmative." Nagato seemed to be ignoring me, as she quickly frisked Tanaguchi and removed the detonator from his hands. For his part he continued to curse and taunt me with language that would make a sailor blush, but the effect was lost with his not-too-powerful position. He seemed a lot more like his usual lame self, now that he was pleading and had a runny nose. And just like that, it was over.

Wait, was that the only reason she grabbed my arm earlier? I recalled her not willing to shoot, and then pulling me across to the centre of the roof, by the sleeve. Was that just so I wouldn't walk into the arm slave and give it away?

"That is correct. That would have ruined the element of surprise." Oh... that also explained why she didn't shoot, if her mecha was in between Tanaguchi and us at the time. I couldn't help but feel sad that was the only reason she'd moved me.

Nagato leaned forward, hands on her knees, as she took a deep breath. I hadn't realised she could get tired; the slim girl seemed like some invincible soldier. But standing there like that, I realised she was still my age; behind the dark trousers and army boots she was still a girl. The element of surprise, huh...

"All warfare is based on deception," she smiled as she said this, a small bittersweet tilt of her lips

"Well, it worked, anyway," I laughed. It wasn't until a few days later- when I thought to look it up- that I realized she had been quoting Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' just then.

Koizumi was somehow completely unscathed, not even dusty from the smoke below. The annoyingly clean-looking guy had managed to get a fix on the speaker outside, but he'd escaped during another explosion. Asahina had contacted their superiors, before evacuating the people who lived in the apartment building. It seemed someone was going to pick me up, and decide to provide me with security detail for later. Thinking, I realised of course; Tanaguchi wasn't the only guy who was out to get Haruhi and me. Who would ever rely on just him to get a job done?

"But you're already in my school, right?" I asked Nagato. "Wouldn't it be easier if you kept an eye on us?" Nagato turned her head slightly –or was that just my imagination?- as if thinking on the matter.

"... Perhaps," she whispered.

"Well, if you want to. I'm sure you have more important missions," I shrugged. Still, she seemed more reliable than the others in a pinch.

"No," she said.

"Hm?"

"I'll see you at school during homeroom," she decided. Nagato waved stiffly, as if she was new to the gesture. I tried not to laugh- now that I looked at her, I wondered how I hadn't seen the soldier side of her before. Hopefully I'd get to know her other sides better at school.

"Yeah. See you."

* * *

A/N: So... long... this took me ages x.x I think it's twice the size of any of the other fics here, and I kept editing details.

This one could quite easily become a full-length parody, and deserve a story of its own~ I wonder if anyone would want to read that? Well, I got carried away with this one, but it makes up for the shorter fics around.

Poor Tanaguichi, I seem to have too much fun with him as the villain. His role was going to be taken by The Computer Club President, but that guy doesn't have enough characterization. I promise, I really am working on those requests, but this ought to make the wait easier? Feel free to review and let me know how I went, of course.

_See you next time, space cowboy~_


	9. Strip Club

Prompt: request by UnrelentingNightmare. Yuki walks into a strip club; what craziness does she get up to?

In-universe

* * *

Yuki walked into a strip club.

Then, realizing it wasn't the library, walked back out.

She then walked over to the library and promptly forgot all about it.

The end.

* * *

_A/N: What else did you expect? This is Yuki we're talking about... _


	10. Rock Star

Prompt: Rock Star

In-universe

_A thousand apologies for the unplanned hiatus. Sucky timing, considering it was right after such a short chapter where the joke was how short it was. But I've written most of the next one and updates should resume as normal, or close to it. Please forgive me, and have fun reading~_

* * *

"You're going to be big, I can tell," the man in the suit rubbed his hands together as he spoke, grinning. There was no response for a moment, sweat starting to trickle down the back of his neck. This girl made him uneasy. "So, uh... whaddaya say? With your skill, you could open for a pro real soon. Just let me take care of all the details!"

His spiel was met with a small moment of hesitation. This was noticeable by the small twitch of her head, as Yuki Nagato thought about the proposal, but only Kyon would have understood that body language.

"Well kid, do ya wanna be a rock star?" He was starting to run out of things to say. This girl was weird, but that might make her stage presence something different at least. He could see it now, the mysterious, calm rock demon, shredding with no emotion on her face…

Actually, that kind of gave him chills down his spine. He told her that idea, adding, "You won't be locked into any contract or anything, it can go as long as you want." This was far from kindness for the talent agent- the girl looked like she was on drugs or something, and might be difficult to work with. "Do we have a deal?"

"… Yes."

* * *

Kyon rubbed his eyes- he could hardly believe what he was seeing. All over the walls of the café were posters that had stopped him in his tracks. He should have been used to this, after the last few months, but he'd never expected Nagato to come this far so soon.

"Hey Kyon, we're buddies, right?" Taniguchi slapped him on the shoulder, in what was probably meant to be a friendly gesture.

"You've used that line before."

"Well, it's true, right? We're pals, and you're pals with Nagato…" his eyebrows raised, hoping Kyon would get his meaning.

Kyon, for his part, was simply messing around with Taniguchi. He'd already been given tickets by the silent alien, handed five them without more than a "here" by way of explanation. Considering the SOS Brigade had already been given their tickets in person, he assumed he could take some friends to her concert.

Well, Kunakida and Tsuruya-san counted as friends, he guessed. His sister and this guy would round out the other spare tickets.

It was kind of amazing, really- she'd played a few amateur nights, opened for a local band, and then skyrocketed in popularity. All because a broke 'talent agent' had been scouting the cultural festival for a new guitar act to pimp out. Kyon frowned- he hoped Koizumi's organization had looked into him, to make sure she wasn't being ripped off or anything.

Chuckling, he continued to bait Tanaguichi, as random classmates he never spoke to suddenly started lending him things and offering to buy him lunch.

* * *

"Wow! Yuki-chan, all these people are here for you?" Haruhi stood tall, hands on her hips, beaming down at the girl. As usual, no reply was given unless necessary, but Haruhi didn't even notice. In her eyes, the purple-haired club member had learnt from the best, and had enjoyed playing with her so much that she had taken it up as a profession. She was proud, in some strange way.

"So… many people," Asahina shivered, peeking out at the audience from behind the curtain. She had no idea how anyone could ever gather the courage to perform with such a large crowd.

"Indeed, I'm very happy for you. To gather such a following so quickly, you must be very skilled indeed," Koizumi offered smoothly. He was currently leaning forward on the couch backstage, as they helped Yuki prepare for her first solo concert.

Kyon felt weirdly out of place next to her- Haruhi was dressed like she was in a rock band herself, Koizumi had his usual business-casual attire, and Asahina looked radiant in a simple but fancy dress. Only Nagato and himself were in ordinary clothes, having come straight after school.

"So, are you excited?" he offered, wondering what she herself thought of the whole affair.

"…"

"Do you enjoy playing guitar?"

"… Yes."

"Do you like making people happy out there?"

"…" Yuki was a little confused, from what he could tell. She was still unused to doing things for herself, so that was to be expected.

"Come on Yuki, let's get you changed already! I've got the perfect outfit for you to try!" declared Haruhi, impatient for the show to start. The slight girl pointed soundlessly towards a rack in the corner, which already held her clothes, picked for her by someone who's job it was to organize such things. Happily oblivious to her point, Haruhi disregarded the choice as plain, and led her into the changing stall with a bag.

Grinning, Kyon looked at a copy of the poster. It showed Nagato in bright clothing, with make up and her hair done up. For someone used to how consistent and stable Nagato always was, it was like looking at a picture of someone else entirely. Admittedly, they had done a good job- next to the bright, wilder clothing, her mysterious side was even more obvious.

"Alright, you're on in five, Ms Nagato!" came the stagehand's cry. Heading back to their seats, he wondered what it would be like. Before, she had been playing with random bands as the main guitarist, opening for other people. Now, she must have her own singer and drummer out there, playing songs made for her own style.

Or that's what he assumed.

Nagato walked out alone; he realised there were no instruments or back-up waiting on stage of any kind. His breath was taken away when he saw her- Haruhi had an eye for these things, after all, and the thunderous applause and cheering supported her. Nagato was wearing a white, gothic Victorian-era dress, with red ribbons and lace. Her boots ended above the ankles, her hair done up. The petite girl looked amazing, her serious expression framed against ribbons tied through her hair.

Koizumi whistled next to him. "Not bad, not bad at all."

"But who's she playing with? The stage is empty." Kunikida pointed out. Maybe she was just playing acoustic solos or something?

"Kyon, you really ought to know something like this beforehand."

Nagato walked up to the microphone, a slim cherry-red guitar in her hands. It might have been a les Paul.

"Commencing concert now," was all she said. For some reason, people thought it was part of her act, and cheered her on.

Then, she began to play. Her fingers moved delicately at an amazing speed over the strings, barely plucking some subtly. The effect was something closer to what a classical piano might play. It was a sight to watch, and the song only improved when she started singing.

"Wow…"

"Nagato-chan is quite talented, wouldn't you say?"

Kyon ignored them, trying to enjoy her performance in peace. Nagato had a soft, gentle singing voice, barely more than a murmur. He had to strain his ears to hear her, as did the whole audience- as a result, the crowd was unnaturally silent throughout.

After a little while, he realized what the lyrics were and couldn't help but smile. For some reason, her manager had gotten her to sing a cute, fluffy song about boys and cake.

"Bwahahahaha!" Tsuruya burst into laughter behind him, loving it despite the glares and shushing she received.

Somehow, even with such everyday lyrics and an electric guitar, she had managed to make it sound like a formal piece of classical music. That… certainly was Nagato.

She wasn't cut out to be a pop idol, but no one seemed to mind. The light-hearted lyrics, her oddly emotionless but gentle voice, her distinctive style of playing, and her unusual stage presence ensured Nagato was a huge hit. She played haunting melodies and tranquil sonatas for another two years before becoming bored with the activity. Haruhi loved the opportunity to pimp her Brigade on stage to so many people, and even opened with her in some group performances as semi-decent back-up.

And that is how the Data Overmind acquired extensive musical information, and all subsequent human interfaces were built with data on how to sing and play her performances.

* * *

A/N: _This was the first story I wrote about Yuki, written more as a test. I think it shows a little, but the idea of someone seeing her performance at the culture festival and making her a star still appeals to me, so here it is. Feedback is welcome, as always._


	11. Steampunk

Prompt: Steampunk

AU

* * *

The world was silent. It was as if no sound had ever existed, all memory of noise cleansed from her mind. The silence was calming, but lonely. The girl hopped down, leaning as she stepped over random piles of scrap. Her skirt brushed against a large metal plate- possibly part of a boiler once, judging by the welding- covering the fabric in a new layer of grime. The skirt was unconventional, ending just above her calves, to help the girl move more easily among the scrapheaps. Likewise, the rest of her appearance- dark boots, a red cloak pulled tight against the cold, hair cropped short- favoured practicality over fashion.

The girl headed silently through the junkyard, boots tapping quietly even along corrugated iron. Above her the fog covered the sky completely, the bright light giving everything an ethereal feel as if it were in a dream. What could be seen of the horizon revealed sheer cliff faces along most sides, the scrapheap horseshoed on three sides by rock. She paid the sight no attention, however, gaze directed down as she searched the rubble for footholds and rare finds.

Her hand plunged into a bag along her side, rummaging for a moment before revealing old goggles, cracked along the left rim but otherwise usable. The girl strapped them over her eyes, blinking as she tightened the leather clumsily. Once they were secure she dived into a a large steel container, sorting through garbage and metal scraps. Screws, bolts, gears and discarded plating were sifted through quickly, few items of worth entering her bag. The majority of the valuable metal was coated in grime or soot, which made the search more difficult. Fortunately she had rags tucked into her belt, which could be used to wipe over a cog and identify it more easily. The girl was just in the middle of doing so, trying to read the inscription on the back of a pocket watch, when she was interrupted.

"Hello there little girl." A tall man smiled jovially down at her, one foot leaning on the end of the container's roof. He tilted his head with surprise. "Are you human?"

"...Yes. Yuki Nagato." She glanced up at him, face unreadable. She had heard nothing but the sounds she made walking among the silence for days now- his interruption felt unnatural.

"Oho, you have a name! How delightful!" His smile grew even wider at the news. Then, leaning in conspiratorially he added, "I have a name too."

"Are you not human then?" The pale girl ignored his banter completely.

"Ah, sadly I am but a mere automaton, at your service." He bashed his fist against his chest, revealing a hollow echo as if to prove his point. Despite his words the smile never left his face. Yuki had met his kind before, but this one seemed odd. Few automatons wore clothes, especially not a gentleman's waistcoat, trousers and dress shoes.

"Would you like to know my name?" Yuki glanced back at the pocket watch still gripped in her hand. It was silver, although it was tarnished quite badly, and had stopped working. It had little practical value, and she might never get it running again. She slipped it into her bag regardless. "My master has started calling me Koizumi, as of late." The automaton seemed proud of his new moniker, judging by how eager he was to tell her.

"...You serve a master by yourself?"

"Not at all. There are a prized few who serve her." Koizumi bowed slightly as he said this. He was still standing along the lid of the steel container, silhouetted against the cloudy sky for Yuki. With one push of his foot he could slam the lid shut, which would likely deadbolt tight in response.

"Is your master nearby?" Yuki's voice was faint. She hadn't needed to use it in quite some time.

"That she is! Would you like to meet her, Lady Nagato?" The girl brushed her hair aside, hiding the hint of a frown. These scrapyards were solitude and silence given form- she hadn't seen as much as an insect until now, with no living plants or edible substances to attract anything alive. Now suddenly an automaton, a steam-and movement powered machine, who claimed his mistress and other automatons were nearby. Curious.

"I am just a junker," Yuki replied. "Surely your mistress has more important things to attend to." She turned back to the pile beneath her, spying what might have been copper. The 'man' was still above her, silent for a moment as if he were in thought. He could still close the roof at any time, trapping her inside. Yuki had one water skin on her- her food supply lay back at her make-shift camp. She wouldn't survive very long in here.

"Nonsense!" Koizumi beckoned with both hands out towards her, blocking most of the light behind him. "I am sure my mistress would be delighted to meet you. In fact, she was the one who instructed me to to bring you to her for an audience." Ah. Yuki paused for a moment, eyeing the machine more carefully. His actions... she had no choice at all. Yuki walked to the side of the container, careful not to slip on stacks of loose tin, and climbed the rungs indented into the side. "Splendid!" The smiling machine offered a hand up, which was ignored without comment. She had only spent an hour or two inside the storage block, but the difference outside was enough to shock her. A light breeze tickled her bangs, clearing away the corrosive smell inside the container. Her boots were resting on solid steel again- after navigating loose piles of debris for so long, the feeling was uncomfortable.

"Are you feeling alright?" Koizumi cocked his head towards her, painted eyes looking through the girl. She nodded her consent and began to follow him down. In the light she could see his movements were slightly stiff, but otherwise he was fairly convincing as he walked. All automatons ejected steam at regular intervals, usually from the ears or mouth judging from the ones she had seen in town. As she followed him over scaffolding and the remains of a ship, she passed the time trying to observe where the steam came from on this automaton. Several times Koizumi tried to engage her in conversation.

"What a lovely pair of goggles! I have never worn something like that before." Yuki held them up for him to look, putting the goggles away in a pocket shortly later. They were heading deeper into the scrapyard, she noted.

"So, how does one search for scraps and metal?" Koizumi appeared genuinely interested. "There are so many variables, I would never be able to ascertain what is of worth and what isn't."

"I just... look until I find something." Yuki had never had to explain her life before. She found metal that was still useful, or could be repaired easily, and sold it back in the towns. There wasn't much else she could explain, or put into words.

"But how does one know what's worth finding?" Koizumi looked back at her as he pushed aside badly-welded chair.

"One never does until after they've found it," she replied softly.

He seemed puzzled by Yuki's response, but paid it no mind. "How long do you spend in each junkyard? Your camp indicates you've spent a week here so far, and you have collected quite a lot of resources." In his curiosity he'd let something important slip, but Yuki answered him as if she hadn't noticed. They'd already inspected her campsite, and this master of his had known about Yuki and sent for her... Just how long had they been watching her?

"Are your legs tired?" Koizumi spoke up yet again. "I have been reminded to be courteous of humans, and to make sure you are comfortable on the way back. I do forget your needs at times, admittedly." She shook her head and continued, following him at the same brisk pace. Whether he was walking too fast was debatable, but she didn't care. Eventually they passed through a steeper part of the junkyard, a scrap mountain towards the heart of the pile. The footing got steeper and scarcer, whilst the cheerful man sped up unconsciously. Even a few feet ahead of her, his form was hard to make out in the fog.

Yuki paused for a moment, gazing back expressionlessly. When the air was clear she knew as far as the horizon was nothing but more trash. Junk and scraps and shards of once-useful machines with a life of their own, all rusting away to the silence. The panorama from atop this mountain would have been breath-taking, had the fog not coated everything around her like a soft blanket. Small wisps of clear vision swirled through with the breeze, teasing at the view she could not see. Yuki turned back, ready to follow, when the silence was shattered.

SCREEE-

Yuki spun, eyes sharp. Where was it coming from? A loud screeching noise reverberated through her skin and teeth. So loud! A loud, rasping crash boomed through the junkyard, as if a giant had fallen from the sky, shattering the metal beneath. Then silence. Yuki turned again. There was nothing to be seen- the fog was as calm and still as the circuitry lying around. Yuki opened her lips, just about to ask her companion what the noise had been when the horrible screech tore through the air again. Her hands twitched as she made to cover her ears, moments too late as the magnificent crash echoed again, cutting off the grating screech. Her ears rung with the impact- both sounds were horribly loud, shocking after the calm.

"What was...?" she found herself asking. The automaton had turned to her at some point, and was making urgent motions with his hand. The junker took one step forward before the screeching noise burst through the sky once more. The high-pitched squeal seemed to get worse every time, the sound vibrating through her teeth and fingernails. After ten heartbeats the noise was silenced by the booming crash, silence taking over once more. It was as if the sounds had never existed at all. She followed a panicked Koizumi through the junk, both walking in silence, as if any further noise might prompt the strange screeching once more. What was it? She hadn't seen anything that could make that kind of noise around here. She struggled to think of a single machine that could make those sounds.

Koizumi was gesturing-was he talking to her? Yuki belatedly realised she had gone deaf from the noises, and could not hear a word the automaton was saying. She said as much to him, which prompted Koizumi to simply point and drag her along. He had no lips to try and read, so all she knew was he wanted her to follow. Stumbling over piles of rusted garbage and crates of metal, they continued to head deeper into the heart of the junkyard. As if far away in the distance, Yuki heard the horrible screech once more, followed by the booming crash. Her hearing was returning.

Koizumi paused all of a sudden, in front of a particularly large pile. What might have been a bathtub rested against the remains of a motor vehicle, small copper screws and flakes of purple metal underneath her boots. Koizumi pulled the edge of the car, something shifting as the door opened. Peering in, a hint of a frown appeared on Yuki's face. The inside of the auto mobile lead down, underneath the pile and the earth. She turned to her companion, giving him a quizzical look. He said nothing in return, a wooden smile on his metal face. The screeching had started once more, and the girl saw no specific danger. It looked like she was heading in.

She felt, rather then saw or heard, the door shut behind them. It was as dark as night, and the faint ringing in her ears stopped her from hearing anything close by. Koizumi seemed unperturbed by the dark, a faint glow coming from his hinges as he led the way further down. They appeared to be in a tunnel made of scrap, the floor changing everytime a piece of metal ran out. Smooth sheet metal, wavy corrugated iron, a slippery polished brass of some kind... every kind of junk she could imagine had been used in making this tunnel. Yuki lost all sense of time within minutes, and could not say how far down they had walked. Surely they'd reached the bottom of the junkyard, and even below the ground by now?

Turning a corner, abrupt light shone into her eyes, blinding the girl. Ducking under a loop of copper wires, she entered a large, wide circular room filled with people.

"Well it's about time!" a complaining voice welcomed then. Blinking widely, Yuki turned to see a girl her own age, lounging on a couch. The girl wore her dark hair back in a ponytail, and was garbed in a comfortable-looking cloak and expensive skirt.

"My master, Lady Suzumiya." Koizumi bowed as he took his leave, joining two others on a similar couch at the other side of the room. Yuki was just getting used to hearing things again, and was noticing the booming noises weren't audible from here. She felt uncomfortable with that, not knowing if whatever was causing it was still outside.

"And you are?" Ah. Suzumiya had been looking at her impatiently, waiting for Yuki to introduce herself in return. People were much harder to interact with then automatons. Koizumi answered for her, his grin even wider then before. The two figures next to him on the fabric also appeared to be automatons- a buxom red-head with obvious elbow joints, and a young man who appeared to be sleeping, head rolled back, his snoring showing the circuitry inside his mouth. Yuki wondered what would possess somebody to invent an automaton capable of snoring.

"Well, are you wondering why I brought you here?" Suzumiya pouted slightly. She seemed put off by Yuki's distraction, so she nodded yes. Getting up in a flash, the brunette grabbed her by the arm.

"Because you, my dear junker, have the opportunity to work for me!"

"Opportunity...?"

"Well, it's that or my automatons kill you. Really, you have no choice, but I'm trying to sound benevolent here." Yuki could only blink at the eccentricity of that claim. Suzumiya's slaves did nothing to help her impression- the girl squealed in fright the moment she said 'kill', Koizumi chuckled, and the final one continued to snore. It was the worst bluff Yuki had heard in her life.

Rolling her eyes at the three, Suzumiya continued talking as if she had never stopped.  
"Listen you heard those horrible noises, right? We knew they were coming, but Koizumi was late getting you. If he'd found you a few hours later, you'd be dead from them." Dead? Koizumi's ever-present smile turned sheepish at this. The single bulb hanging from the ceiling made it hard to be sure, but Suzumiya's expression was completely serious.

"That noise was caused by the Gynoids. They attack any human or automaton they see on sight." Yuki cleared her throat, interrupting in a low voice.

"I thought Gynoid's were those female automatons? Ones made in the city for men to enjoy." Suzumiya frowned at her comment.

"Normally this is the part where people get embarrassed, and I can laugh at them. You have even less emotion then my automatons!" She declared this as she pointed at Yuki with her index finger.  
"...I see."

"Damn it, you're still doing it!" Suzumiya seemed like someone used to getting her own way.

"Anyway," she changed topics once more, hands on the curve of her hips. "These Gynoids have it out for humanity. They have nothing in common with the other kind; we think the name means something else. Giant, mechanical beats with multiple legs and arms, live electricity for blood and skin of the toughest metal." Suzumiya's hands waved around as she got into her story, creating a tense atmosphere. "They were designed as the perfect beings, and a few dozen have been manufactured at last count."

"By who?" Despite herself, Yuki found herself intrigued.

"We don't know! Their numbers are still small though, so they stick to the shadows, leeching off scrap piles and junkyards like this one. When they find enough salvageable materials they assemble another few of their kind, before moving on to their next target. We think they're building an army."

We? There was so many holes and unlikely parts of her story, Yuki wasn't sure where to begin.

"That's where you come in, Lady Nagato," the girl automaton spoke up, inclining her head towards Yuki as she spoke. "You can help us against them!"

"I don't see how." Her voice was even.  
"You're a junker, right? We've seen you, you're good!" Suzumiya didn't wait for a reply, patting her on the back roughly. "If we can find out what parts they need, we can beat them to the punch! Heck, after that we could even find a weakness or loophole in their design, rip them apart!"

"You're very... enthusiastic," Yuki begun carefully. She was unused to talking to people, and didn't want this to come out improperly. "But why are you even fighting these Gynoids? Surely such a threat would have the whole state against them."

"Pfft, the state are the ones who made them!" Suzumiya replied, confusing Yuki even more. "Listen, we don't have time for all this. I'm the only human who knows enough to fight them, and you're joining my brigade."

"Huh? We have a brigade now?" The final automaton, the boy, looked around sleepily as he 'woke up'.

"Kyon, keep up. The times, they are a changin'." Suzumiya said this as if it somehow answered him, tapping the toe of her boot impatiently. "Now Yuki, are you with us, or do I have to drag you?" She paused at this, unsure what to reply with. This woman was clearly mad, but appeared wealthy, and had at least three automatons in her personal service.

"If I may," interjected Koizumi, helpful smile at the ready. "Lady Nagato, this could work in your favour. By travelling on our airship, you could reach many scrapheaps much quicker then you could by land, and anything you found in each one would be your spoils to sell." At the look she gave him he continued, elaborating. "As we travel from junkyard to junkyard, you could continue your job as always. And staying with us would be the best protection against the gynoids, who you're sure to run into on your own if you continue this profession. So your skills could benefit us as much as our services benefit you, what I have heard called a 'win-win' scenario." He spoke a lot more sense then his master, that was sure. Yuki brushed her hair from her face, coming to a decision.

"I am at your service, brigade leader." She bowed slightly, kissing Suzumiya's offered hand.

"Good protocol, lackey!" She seemed pleased by that, pressing her hand to her breast as if accepting an award. "You need to learn to curtsy like a girl though. That'll be your first training." Just as Yuki processed what she'd said, a horrible crashing noise broke the reverie, dust raining down the cracks of their shelter.

"Master, the Gynoid's are searching directly above our hideout!" the girl squealed.

"Oh hell." Suzumiya spun, grabbing several bags which she threw over her shoulder. "Koizumi! You took too long finding her!" He accepted the blame, not pointing out how much time she'd wasted when they were talking. All four of them suddenly started to run for another tunnel entrance, leaving Yuki alone in the clearing. A moment of indecision overcame her- should she really join these people? Several large booming noises shuddered overhead, filling the room with far too much noise for such a small space.

A hand grabbed hers roughly, as she was suddenly pulled into running along the tunnel. It was Kyon, his glass eyes urgent.

"Are you insane? Get out of here already, geez!" She'd never heard a rude automaton. What exactly was he? Behind her the clearing collapsed, rubble and debris filling the area she'd been standing in just seconds ago. She started to sprint, keeping up with the automaton as they outran the sea of rusting life behind them.

She had no reason to join them- she wanted not for money, and enjoyed her quiet life. With no family to call her own, Yuki was used to being a loner, and hadn't seeked out others company in an age. Travelling with them might be a mistake, and even mortally dangerous if the story about a Gynoid war had any truth to it. But how would she know for certain, without going with them?

"One never does until after they've found it," she murmured. Running alongside her, Kyon could somehow hear her words.

"Find what now?" he shouted.

A place to belong? A quick way to die? A new life for her? No, it was finding something that was the easy part. Finding out what it _was_- that came after.

"I'll tell you when I find out," she shouted back, as the five of them ran out of the tunnel together.

* * *

A/N: _Sorry for such a stupidly long absence. I still intend to finish these stories, I promise. Life went busy on me for a bit, but I now have a month off university, so hopefully I can get back to writing during the break. Well, fingers crossed. Has my writing style changed much? _

_Thanks go to Midirin, who requested a Steampunk Yuki, and inspired this piece. As always, C & C are welcome._


End file.
